Spoiler Alert!!! Reviewing Stand Up Guys

Welcome to another "episode" of my new blog, Spoiler Alert.  For those that didn't get the chance to read the first Spoiler Alert review for the film Movie 43, please feel free to check it out on this blog.  Since posting it, I have decided to have a little revamp in how I consider my scores for each film I review.

For every Spoiler Alert I post, I will review this based on the following criteria:

• STORY - Is there a valid and well thought-out story to the film?
• ACTING - Was the cast choice correct?  Did any particular actor stand out?
• DIRECTION - Did the film look good?  Was the cinematography right?
• MUSIC/SCORE - Did the music or score supplement the film?
• LONGEVITY - Would this be a film you would watch again?

With these 5 categories, I will give a score of 0-2 (0 being poor, 1 being good, 2 being great) and then total these scores up to give an overall score out of 10.  With this scoring system in mind, it's time to get onto the review.  Today, Spoiler Alert will be reviewing the film Stand Up Guys.

The synopsis for this film is as follows:  A pair of aging stick-up men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah, before one of the guys takes his last assignment - to kill his comrade.

To break this film down, Valentine (Al Pacino) leaves prison after 28 years and is greeted by his friend and former crew member, Doc (Christopher Walken).  Now out of the joint, all Val wants to do is party, so Doc takes him to a brothel but, unfortunately, old age has affected Val's under-carriage.  This results in both Doc and Val breaking into a drug-store (or chemist as we call them over here in the UK) to obtain some viagra, which Val imbibes more than the prescription advises.

Following this, Val wants to rock out on the dancefloor of a local club, where he insults some moody teenage girls (they've obviously never starred in a Girls Gone Wild film), before apologising and asking one to dance.  Here starts the first sentimental part of the film, as he makes no sexual advances, he merely dances as he would were he dancing with his daughter.  After this Val does a few more drugs and passes out in Doc's car.

At this point the plot really kicks in, with Doc turning the music up in his car, taking his gun out, and deciding whether to kill Val.  Thankfully, he decides against it and takes Val to hospital, where the nurse who admits him is the daughter of their third partner in crime, Hirsch (Alan Arkin), their former getaway driver, who they learn is now in a care home suffering from emphysema.  Due to a major priaprism, the doctor injects Val's erection to reduce the blood flow.

Doc then takes Val for food at a local diner.  There, the waitress Alex (Addison Timlin) dotes over Doc, and Val deduces that Doc has been ordered to kill him.  Val says that if the tables were turned, he would not hesitate in killing Doc, as he knows failure to complete this task will result in Doc being killed.  The back story here is that their former boss Claphands (Mark Margolis) sent his son on a job with Val, but was killed during it.  As such, Claphands has put a bounty on Val ever since.  In the end, Val accepts his fate and spends the next 9 hours trying to enjoy himself.

This leads to Val stealing a Dodge Challenger and kidnapping Hirsch from the care home for one more wild night out.  Following a cross-town car chase with the local law enforcement, they hear banging coming from the trunk and find a naked woman inside.  She had been kidnapped and abused by a number of guys, and Doc and Val decide to gain revenge.  Busting into their place, they end up shooting a couple of the guys and tying them up, giving the woman a baseball bat and telling her she has at least 8 minutes before the police turn up.  Lets just say she breaks a few balls at this point...

Having left Hirsch in the car as a lookout, Val and Doc come out to find he has passed away in the drivers seat.  They visit his daughter and all of them end up driving him to a local cemetery where the give him a burial and bid him farewell.  Doc then calls Claphands to beg for mercy for Val, but he refuses and threatens to hurt Alex, the waitress from the diner.  At this point, it turns out that Alex is the long-lost granddaughter of Doc, who he has known about for years but never informed her, as her mother wanted her hidden from him.  Doc then writes a letter to Alex and supplies his house keys to her.

As Val readys for the end, he spies a church and goes in to make his final confession.  He then decides he wants to be executed in a new suit, at which point both him and Doc break into a suit store and steal some classy garments.  Alex has made her way to Doc's apartment and he calls her there.  He tells her he has paid the place for a year, and has left a shoebox full of money for her.  Around his apartment are pictures of the sunrise, which he states he painted for her.  He tells her he loves her, and she tearfully responds "I love you too grandpa".  He says his goodbyes and leaves with Val.

Their final destination happens to be Claphands warehouse, and upon their arrival Doc and Val kill all of his guards and end up in a shootout with Claphands himself, who seems to run out of ammunition.  However, rather than leave a definitive answer as to what happens, the camera pans up above the warehouse to the sunrise, which blends into one painted by Doc.

STORY
I have to give this film some props, as I thought that the story was only going to be about 3 old crew members getting back together and causing mayhem in this comedy/crime film.  In the end, what I actually got was a very subtle blend of genres.  This isn't really a comedy, nor is it really a crime film.  The comedic value really only relates to two particular scenes - 1) Al Pacino having his erection drained, and 2) Alan Arkin driving like a crazy bastard.  When you look at the crime aspect, aside from a mob boss who wants revenge and a small shootout at the end, there's really not much else.  There are elements of revenge throughout (from the mob boss & his cronies, to the naked woman and her abusers), but it's not a revenge film.

Every part of the main cast has their back stories, and their current role, and this is a beautifully well written film, that caused me to genuinely tear up a few times.  If you take the synopsis - best friend has to kill his recently released best friend - that alone is enough to keep me hooked.  When you add in the back stories of those involved, it just adds to the story.

With this aside, I do feel that the only "far-fetched" scene in this film, is the burial scene.  Would you really want to bury your father without notifying the proper authorities?  Its not like he would have been arrested for anything, so why didn't his daughter reject the idea of Val & Doc & do things the way her family would want?  It is a minor gripe, but it is enough to bump the score down slightly.

With that in mind, I give the story a 1, and this is based on the total plot, as well as the back stories of the main characters being so well written.

ACTING
You can't really go wrong with the two main leads here - both Al Pacino and Christopher Walken are veterans to this game, and both work wonders with the roles given.  I have to admit that the back stories were well thought through, and Walkens interaction with his on-screen granddaughter were beautiful.

If you watch this film - and I hope that you do, despite the spoilers above - take note of everything mentioned, as it usually relates to a bit of story further down the line.  An example of this is within the first 5 minutes when Pacino's character asks Walken's character if he located his daughter, to which he advised he did, but he never found his granddaughter, as she was hidden from him - then swerving us when you find out right at the end that the waitress is his granddaughter and he spends every day with her.  It makes his goodbye to her all the more emotional.  With that in mind, Pacino's character keeps the majority of his back story hidden, but the emotion he shows when he explains how Claphands son was killed, and that he was always expecting the day of his death to come, was sublime.  Right at the beginning Pacino & Walken hug, but both find it awkward and move on.  90 minutes later, after all they have experienced and discussed, they hug again, this time both of them admitting the hug was right.

Alan Arkin had a reduced role in this, despite being billed on the poster as a main lead.  However, his scenes were effective, and his antics at the brothel and in the car were quite amusing.  However, I don't feel that he was in this film enough, but then again he wasn't really needed unless these three guys were due to pull off a big job - which I have to admit is something I thought would happen before watching this film.

Rounding out the cast was character actor Mark Mrgolis as Claphands, himself a veteran on screen since 1976.  His gruff demeanour works well with the role given, and he had ample screen time to make his presence known (though this was always going to be just about Pacino and Walken, so any other screen time had to be rightly shared between the cast).  Julianna Marguiles (formerly of ER) was brought in as Hirsch's daughter and, compared to other cast members that shared the same screen time, she didn't have much time to make this a worthwhile role (part of me thought she may even have helped the two leads out following the death of her on screen father, but that didn't happen).  Then we have Addison Timlin as Alex who, aside from a few tv episodes and a couple of film roles, could consider this as a possible break-out role, as I found her to be very effective as Alex.

The cast for this film can really be counted on two hands, and there was just enough time for those involved to put across their story - any more cast members could have caused the film & story to be saturated and effectively ruin this.

With this in mind, I give the acting a 2 based on the work they did with the back stories and screen time given, especially to the 2 leads.

DIRECTION
This was only the third film that Fisher Stevens has directed, despite being in the business since 1981.  For those that may not know who he is, he has starred in a hell of a lot of films, with the most notable being the lead villain in the 1995 film Hackers.

His work here was very well done, there were no flash cuts or quick changes that ruined the story, and the ending of the film whereby the shootout merges perfectly with one of Doc's sunrise paintings, leaving the actual ending ambiguous, was the perfect way to end this.  The cinematography, lighting and all-round setup was faultless, and the entire film was beautifully well shot.  Some purists may find certain issues; however I have never really got behind a camera personally, as I prefer the writing aspect, though as a writer I did envision moments in my head to determine how what I write can be imagined onscreen.

In view of this, I'm happy to give the direction a 2.

MUSIC/SCORE
This is the one section that is really going to differ between everyone, as some musical choices may not be to everyone's taste.  However, I did note that one of the songs from this film - Not Running Anymore by Jon Bon Jovi - was nominated for an oscar.

I'm not entirely sure where this film is actually set, though it looks like it could possibly be New Orleans.  If that's the case, then the songs in the film have been exceptionally well chosen, as a lot of them have that southern feel, bit of jazz, bit of funk, bit of soul.  Plus this film had Hoochie Coochie Man by Muddy Waters, which is an amazing tune.

Whilst the musical choices may suit the possible Louisiana setting, the fact that these tunes may not be well known or appreciated by a younger viewing audience could hamper this, as this soundtrack - and the film itself - has definitely been produced for a more "mature" audience (I would say 30 upwards, and being 35 I can get away with saying that!).

With this in mind, I would obtain this soundtrack and, as this is based on my review, I am going to give the music/score a 1, as whilst being good, I could not see myself listening to this album again and again (there aren't many soundtracks that can actually make me do so), and - with the exception of a couple of tracks that worked well with the onscreen action/story - the rest seem to be just a more exclusive set of filler.

LONGEVITY
The big question is, would I watch this again?  The answer is, yes.  Though I don't think I would make this a genuine weekly viewing, as this would be more like the film you watch on a date night, or on a whim down the line.  It wouldn't be a film I would rush out and buy on Blu Ray the day it comes out, but it's definitely a film I would obtain down the line.

Would you buy it?  I suppose thats the next question.  That really depends on what you want out of your viewing experience, especially with this being a mashup of different genres in one.  If I go through my friends, I can honestly say that there won't be many that would.  I think they would lose attention in this early on, at which point they wouldn't care about what they're watching, which would be a damn shame.  You definitely have to pay attention and enjoy it for what it is.

For longevity, I will happily give this film a 1.

To summarise, I found this a fantastically written, acted, and directed film, but I know that the subject matter may not be for everyone, and my own admission that I would not but this straight away would affect the repeat watching.  However, as an overall score, Stand Up Guys receives a Spoiler Alert overall score of 7 out of 10.  This is definitely not a stinker and is well worth a watch if you have the time!

Thank you for taking the time to read this Spoiler Alert review, and I hope to have another one up either later today, or tomorrow.  Please feel free to comment & let me know what you think of my review.

Spoiler Alert!!! Reviewing Movie 43

Welcome to the first of, what I hope, will become a regular part of my blog - Spoiler Alert, the latest (well, at least some of the movies people may not have seen yet) films reviewed with my own particular taste of sarcasm, wit, anger and - on the odd occasion - praise.

I'm going to kick off Spoiler Alert with a review of what I consider to be one of the most god-damn awful films of 2013.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my take on MOVIE 43.

There are in effect two versions of this filma out - one for the UK and European countries, and another for the rest of the world.  The film itself is broken down into a number of "sketches" starring some of Hollywoods "finest".  These sketches are located as part of the main story, which is different depending on what county you live in.  The main story arc's are as follows:

For UK/European Countries - In order to "prank" his younger but much smarter brother, some douchebag claims that there is a movie online that has been banned by all major governments.  He gets his little brother to hack into every major government facility in order to locate this, whilst he fills up his younger brothers laptop with porn pop-ups.  However, along the way they get told to stop searching for Movie 43 as it will end up destroying civilisation (which ultimately ends up happening in some Terminator self-aware situation).  The films they end up watching form the main basis of Movie 43.

For the rest of the world - A screenwriter attempts to pitch his movie idea to a movie executive, but when he gets kniocked back he pulls a gun & threatens the executive to listen to his ideas (which form the main basis of Movie 43) & purchase the film idea.

I can confirm that I watched the UK/European version, and the little story arc in that was god-damn fucking stupid!  If you had a smart mouthed little brother, why would you try & get one on him but putting porn on his laptop & not just beat the snot out of him?  Putting porn on my computer?  If that was me I would welcome it.  Also, the little kid can hack into every government facility in the world but his douchebag older brother thinks he won't be able to get a virus off his laptop?  This was the first moment when I realised that this movie may be a huge pile of stinking flip, but I persevered.

At this point, the film breaks down into the movies that the little brother finds online:

1. The Catch

This involves Kate Winslet being set up on a blind date with Hugh Jackman, who portrays the most eligible bachelor in the city where this is set.  Wearing a scarf, he takes it off to reveal two dangly hairy bollocks on his throat.  For some reason, everyone that meets him never mentions the dangly balls.

Cue saucy balls, ball slapping & Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet.  Trust me, its not as funny as it sounds.  This particular segment was directed by one of the Farrelly brothers (the former gross-out kings of comedy) but is painfully unfunny.  Though Kate Winslet being tea-bagged (in a non-sexual way) was not what I was expecting from this when I put this on.

2. HomeSchooled

So its come to the point where movie executives believe child abuse & incest are considered funny to american audiences.  This segment involves a couple home schooling their teenage son, but also hazing him, bullying him and both mum & dad making sexual advances to him.  When the neighbours meet the son he actually seems quite well adjusted until he states he's going on a date, at which point he introduces his girlfriend, which is just a mop with a picture of his mums face on it.  Yep, thats how this segment ended.

3. The Proposition

Oh Anna Faris, since you've had those lips of yours blown up to trout like proportions, your career has not actually picked up (unfortunately you will always be known as the Scary Movie chick).  In fact, if this segment is anything to go by, it's gone downhill fast.  This segment involves a woman proposing her boyfriend to shit on her.  Yep, you read that right.  Shit on her.  However, he can't really do it & ends up getting hit by a car where he just explodes in shit.  After watching this, I knew exactly how the driver of that car felt - he too was flying headlong into a massive shit.  Yet this has the desired effect on a shit-covered Anna Faris who declares it beautiful.  So you heard it here first people, shit is beautiful.  Time to soil those pants in public people!!!

4. Veronica

Emma Stone (who was the love interest in last year's latest Amazing Spiderman film) sure does have a filthy mouth.  Here she plays an ex of Kieran Culkin, who decides to bring up every sexual instance together during their relationship, which is played over the intercom throughout the store Kieran works in.  In the end all the shoppers agree to do Kierans shift to allow him to go after this girl.  Well, there's 5 minutes of my life I'm never getting back.

5. iBabe

Here some crazy marketing people have created a naked woman speaker dock, called the iBabe.  However, to ensure the "machine" is kept cool, they inserted a fan into the vaginal area, and had received complaints from teenage boys who had lost their fingers & penises when probing that area.  Rather than remove the fan from that area, they just put a warning on the advert telling people not to have sex with the iBabe.  Rumour has it that Richard Gere, who played the boss in this segment, actually walked off set & refused to have anything to do with this movie.  How can you say that this is crass Richard when we all know about you shoving a gerbil up your bum!  Being shallow (and also being a single hot-blooded man), I give this segment the thumbs up mainly for the full frontal femal nudity.

6. Superhero Speed Dating

An ingenious idea here whereby Robin (Justin Long) attempts speed dating to pick up a date, only to have Batman (Jason Sudeikis, from Horrible Bosses & Hall Pass) ruin each attempt.  To give this spot it's due, both Justin & Jason are great comic actors, so they pulled this off, making Robin look like a pussy whilst Batman acts like a mjor dick.  I can't fault this segment here, so this gets the thumbs up.

7. Machine Kids

Not really a segment, more like one of those charity appeal commercials, which want us to believe inside every machine there are small children who do the required work (namely an ATM which has one kid take the card and another kid push out the money).  Nothing major but nothing really funny.

8. Middleschool Date

This segment involves a teenage girl (Chloe Grace Moretz - Hit Girl from Kick-Ass) coming round to have a date with her school crush, only to start her period during it.  This gets noticed and the guy starts to believe she's bleeding to death, with his brother (McLovin from Superbad) and father thinking the same.  So unfunny its unbelievable.  What fricking idiot thought "Periods are funny, why dont we act like no-one but girls know what a period is" would be good for comedy.  Monkeys, thats who.  Not smart monkeys from Rise of the Planet of the Apes, more like monkeys that eat their own poo.

9. Tampax

Another commercial, this time for tampax.  Two women are water ski-ing and suddenly a shark leaps out of the ocean and eats one of the women.  All because she wasn't wearing tampax.  Jesus christ, are we back in the 70's?  How the hell are tampon adverts still considered funny?

10. Happy Birthday

Another segment I actually enjoyed.  Johnny Knoxville & Stifler are best mates & housemates, but when Johnny sleeps with Stiflers missus he decides to make up for it by kidnapping a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his pot of gold.  Unfortunately the leprechaun is a blood thirsty violent bastard with an obsession for skull fucking.  In the end, Johnny & Stifler manage to survive an attack by two angry cock-obsessed leprechauns & get to spend their gold on a blow job giving fairy in return.  It sounds unbelievably over the top (and it is) but all involved can do themselves proud - Gerard Butler was exceptionally good in his role.  Thumbs up for me.

At this point, we're ten segments in, and I've only liked about 8 minutes of this film so far.  Not boding well.

11. Truth or Dare

Halle Berry (my how the mighty have fallen) & Stephen merchant agree to meet on a blind date and play a game of truth or dare that involves plastic surgery, racism & extreme humiliation.  I find Stephen Merchant funny, but not when he's portrayed as a bumbling loser who would do anything to have sex with Halle Berry.  Didn't enjoy this, nor did I enjoy the amazingly massive boob prosthetics she was wearing at the end.  Sorry, another 5 minutes wasted.

12. Victory's Glory

It's 1959, and an all black basketball team is going to take on an all white basketball team in the height of the segregation era.  Whilst the coach (Terence Howard) is urging them to destroy their opponents, the all black team has their concerns.  In the end, they trounce the all white team, who only earn one point but act like they won the game.  That was it.  That whole segment seemed like a big anti-white demonstration - the coach so vulgar in his delivery, with his team mates trying to prove that whites are better.  When I watch a film, I don't mind if there's a message, but in this case it was just a "Black Is Better" for comedy effect.  And it wasn't funny.

13. Beezel

Here we come to what the directors & producers claim to be the crowning segment in Movie 43 - a tale of a man and his animated cat Beezel.  Basically, this guy wants his girlfriend to be more involved in his life, but she is worried that his animated cat doesn't like her.  This is brought to the boil when she catches the cat wanking to pictures of his owner dressed in speedos, at which point Beezel tries to kill her.  Unfortunately, she takes her revenge & tries to kill the cat, all in front of a young kids birthday party.  Beezel survives and the girlfriend is arrested for cruelty to animals.  Meh, it has some funny segments in it & the animation is done just like Ren & Stimpy, but at the end of the day this is just filler and nothing special.

So, for 13 segments, all of which are intertwined with this stupid story arc, I almost lost my entire will to live.  I'm usually into the slapstick & stupidity that these segments try to bring, but on this occasion I was just embarrassed by it all.  I had aimed to put a lot more pictures in to describe what I'm talking about, but I don't really want to see anymore of this then I have to, or put you through that.

I'm going to end this review with the Spoiler Alert score, but I warn you, this won't be pretty...  My scores range from 0 (the lowest) to 10 (the highest) and cover the films plot/story, the casting & the lasting appeal.

Plot / Story wise, this is where the film loses nearly all credibility.  The main story arc was pointless, and aside from a couple of funny moments, nearly every segment failed.  Aside from the Superhero Speed Dating and Happy Birthday segments - which were the only parts I actually enjoyed - I hated the remainder of this film.  Score wise, I would give the story points a grand total of 1 out of 10.

Casting, well there's a hell of a lot of famous people in this.  It does strike more of quantity rather than quality, as some of these stars are only on screen for around 5-10 minutes tops.  Big props to Jason Sudiekis, Justin Long, Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott & Gerard Butler for actually coming out of this with some credibility.  However, these are mere blips to the cast list, which totals 84 people.  Based on this, I would only give casting 1 out of 10.

Longevity wise, will this film be watched again & again?  Not be me it won't, but maybe they'll show it to death row prisoners & its probably staple viewing for those stuck in Guantanamo Bay.  Maybe if your favourite film was Freddy Got Fingered this would be right up your street, or if you've had major head trauma then this could be considered "watchable", but for me its a no go.  I'm sorry Movie 43, but you get nothing for longevity or lasting appeal.

Based on this, I'll take an average of the 3 sections to determine the total score I'm going to give.  From this, I can confirm that....

Movie 43, you obtain a score of 1 out of 10 - Officially a STINKER!!!!

That is me being very generous, as this would definitely have been a zero score movie, were it not for 2 specific segments that kept me entertained.

Spoiler Alert will be back later for another review, going through films released in 2013 - there's quite a choice available (good and bad) so hopefully I'll get round to reviewing one of your films of the year.  If you agree or disagree with my review, please feel free to comment!

Flavoured beer made by plebs!

Yep, it's me again.  And yep, it's another rant about the posh plebs who are performing incredibly stupidly for my own amusement.  That's right, it's time for another Apprentice rant!

Firstly, to the BBC, you claim the show is on for 12 weeks but yet you show the second episode the day after the first?  Is this indicative of the way the show will be this year, in that you're packing 12 weeks of douchebags being plebs into a 6 week period?  This really has nothing to do with my rant, but I was out Tuesday watching the football & was only made aware of this second episode about 10 minutes before it started!

Ok, so onto the second episode.  I was actually looking forward to watching this, as watching dumbasses trying to make beer was bound to be tittilating, especially because you know a cock-up was bound to occur.  I wasn't disappointed.

Firstly, one of the boys (Tim) was assigned to be head of the girls (in a non-pervy way) as he piped up after his team had won the last task.  You could tell the guy was loving it, as everything the girls said he agreed to.  Yep, he changed his mind every single time.  He was only after a bit of boob methinks!  But if you're going to run a business, the best boss to be is the David Brent friendly boss, as we knoe that works out right...right?

At least his team decided on a brand, flavour and advertising way before the boys who, for some strange reason, had decided on the flavour, name & advertising before the makers had actually ascertained what flavours would work.  I have to give the boys their due though, they did get manufacturing straight away whilst the girls couldn't get a simple bit of maths right & had already lost the task before the beer was even made.

It was then onto the big sell where the stupidity really kicked in.  At this point, I would like to go back to my previous rant, in which I had a pop at the schoolboy who's never had a job before.  If you didn't know that he hadn't ever worked a day in his life, then hopefully this proved it to you.  He was like a private schoolboy in a brothel - he wanted to get stuck in but had no clue what he was doing.  Then he tried to claim that the other sales guys were misleading the customer - well, I'll let you into a little secret Jason, THATS WHAT SALES IS!!!!  Sell the product, make it sexy, even if you talk bollocks about it!  Dumb posh pleb.

The boys started off spectacularly stupidly - half headed to St Albans to sell their chocolate orange beer at London prices, then went back to London to sell it at St Albans prices.  Surely that should be the other way round?  Wait a minute, they are all twats.  I forgot that for a moment.  You are excused Endeavour.  Wait a moment!  I also forgot that half the boys attempted to sell casks of beer with absolutely no samples or advertising, and left it to Dracula to think about sucking sheeps dry.  The lack of business acumen shown towards businesses was amazing.

Then we got to the girls.  they went to the Kent Beer Festival.  Which was in a pub.  In Hackney.  In London.  Yep, you read that right.  Though, to their credit they did sell well.  Then they decided to head to the yuppy area of Richmond to a WINE BAR to sell their beer.  Yep, a WINE bar.  Surely they should have guessed by the bar type & patrons only drinking WINE that the beer wouldn't help.  If in doubt though, pimp off one of the girls to offer sex to drinkers in exchange for them buying drinks.  It was cringeworthy.

In the end, somehow the boys won, but then again they did pimp off the beer at a price tramps could afford.  I got kind of bored towards the end of this episode, as I was heading out to a quiz night and was trying to make myself look pretty.  All I know is that a pleb was fired.  Thankfully I didn't see what the next task was, so that leaves me open to some sort of surprise.

Sorry the blog is a bit short today, but I'm tired, cranky, stressed & currently have a shit load of work to get on with.  So peace out party people!

The Apprentice - Shouting at my television!!!

I know what you're all thinking, another blog just one day after the last one - yes, this is the first time this has happened this year, and hopefully it's a trend that will continue going forward.

So how's everyone doing today?  Feeling refreshed today?  Right, well I hope you're ready for a rant of sorts, as I watched the latest series of the Apprentice last night.  I don't really know why I watch this show, it is pure car crash television, but I think it must be my deep seated desire to be amused, as the majority of people on the show are utter, utter, utter, UTTER douchebags and I do like watching people that deserve to fail actually fail.  Come on, how hard is it to actually do the things asked of you?

Well, the new series started with 16 would-be business partners, which included blonde airheads, posh twats, people with Napoleon complexes and one that looked like Dracula.  The task for these douchebags?  Sell general stuff to London stores.  First thing first though, they had to pick team leaders...

For the girls, Jaz (who liked like an oak tree) immediately offered her "expertise", which was to patronise her "employees" by treating them as if they were about 8 years old.  I was half expecting her to start patting the rest of the girls on their heads then, when someone said or did something half decent, have her clap loudly just like Peter Griffin did in the Family Guy episode "Petarded".  This is a woman who seems so sure of her ability to lead, that she continually asked for approval from her followers, in a desperate attempt to feel self-worth.  Her acceptance of the team name Evolve was brilliantly pathetic - you can tell she's angling for her own show on Pick TV at some point.  Keep hoping love.  As for the team name Evolve - the only thing evolving is the menstrual cycles and need for chocolate cake.

Then we get to the boys.  I would say men but these guys always look like they have no clue what happens in the real world.  Take the team leader Jason, a man who has never had a job in his life - you can guaran-damn-tee that his parents paid for him to study greek philosophy/mythology/whatever at the finest university around.  This is what gets my goat, the first Apprentice was made in America with Donald Trump, and it included one college dropout who actually performed much better than most business owners.  I wanted something like this in the UK version, maybe have someone with no business acumen try to win it.  it would have been an underdog story.  Then we get this, a posh 22 year old who has had his life paid for every day.  He took the Team Leader spot and just proved exactly how little he knows business by being unable to sell something as simple as a leather jacket or a union jack mug, and in doing so another member of the team stepped up to take charge.

And don't even get me started on the scary welsh guy - "people say I look like famous people, and I've been called Freddie Mercury before" - yeah, a gypsy romani version of a moustached Freddie Mercury.  Minus his talent.  I think that Miles was correct when he stated that you looked like someone else famous.  Dracula.  Yep, Dracula.  He hit the nail on the mark there.

What I don't get about this show is that, when there are three people in the boardroom awaiting Nookie Bear's verdict, they really slag each other off.  After that they're all huggy and nice and friendly with the fired competitor and with each other when they get back to the house.  Really?  If that was me I would either explode in their face (not sexually, just figuratively) with insult after insult (probably involving their mama) or just bide my time and wait for the perfect revenge moment.  I would not be nice.  And that is saying something, as I'm actually a nice guy.

So this was how I spent my Tuesday evening, watching 16 plebs battle it out over the next 12 weeks to be a business partner to the guy who made Amstrad computers in the 80s (I had one, they weren't that great), only to find themselves either leaving/being fired within 3 months, or if the winner is female, launching a sexual harassment/discrimination suit within 3 months.  Anything to get into Nuts or Zoo magazine.

The crazy thing is, I will still be watching this every week.  So expect more Apprentice rant blog shennanigans to come.

Until then, peace out.

It's been too long - I need to write again!

Yep, I know it.  I've been very very lax in updating my blog.  I've kept saying that I want to get back into writing, and putting my thoughts down in words will help my imagination flow in some crazy way.

There are reasons for the lack of any new blog pages.  One of those involved me moving out of my house share in Benfleet and moving back to my old stomping ground in Southchurch.  This move was kind of put upon me by some unbelievable douchebags (not my housemates, just two people who owned half the house) and caused a fair bit of stress, though I tried not to let it show.  The real reason for the stress was the passing of my nan, just prior to moving.

I'd like to take this moment and talk about my nan, and how her passing affected me.  If you talk to my mum and uncle, they would both agree that my nan was not a particularly maternal person, but I know that she loved her kids, and they in turn loved her and looked after her right until she passed away.  As a grandchild, I can only say good things about my nan.  She wasn't the greatest cook and, at times, bordered on eccentric, but she was good with me and my brother, as well as my cousins.

I have very good memories of her bungalow in Leigh, some of which I will never share with anyone other than my family.  I remember Saturday afternoons playing in her garden, picking apples then watching Supergran, the A-Team and Columbo.  Despite being much older than her grandkids, she would always let us watch what we wanted, or let us run up to the shop for ice pops.

Just over a week before my nan passed, she was given the last rites, as many didn't believe that she would hang on much longer.  But she did.  She was given the last rites on the Sunday evening, but didn't pass away until the following Friday, Good Friday - a fitting date for a woman who believed in god and was a true servant at her local church.  I wasn't there at the end, but I had been there throughout the week.  My last memory of her will always be her 90th birthday, just over a week before the end.  The whole family were there and, when we started singing Happy Birthday, she opened her eyes and smiled, before drifting off.  I never saw her awake again, but I know that she would have been so happy at that point.

On the 7th April 2013, I tried to hold back tears as I carried my nan to her final resting place.  Both me and my brother kissed her coffin goodbye, and I hope she's up there watching down on us now.  Hopefully you can bring a little luck to us nan.

As I write this, I'm getting choked up but the memories are playing in my head and I'm smiling too.  It's true that the most emotional experiences can cause so many different feelings, and I want to be able to try and capture that in writing form.

Now I'm back in Southchurch and enjoying my new flat (which still requires a lot of work), and have some spare time in the evening, I'm going to try and update this blog as often as possible (I hope!).  Starting today, I'm going to try and blog about things that are going on in my life at the moment.

1. My New Abode
As I've mentioned above, I recently moved back to Southchurch.  I was enjoying my time in Benfleet, as I lived with some good people.  Unfortunately, towards the end of March, some unscrupulous bastards (who were well aware of my nan's health at the time) decided that my rent needed to be increased.  With the amount that I was expected to pay, it made more sense to get my own place.  Thankfully, my little cousin (who also lived in our Benfleet house share) was able to help pay the bills, so the two of us looked at places and found one in Southchurch, 10 mins from town.

On the 5th April 2013, we signed the tennancy agreement and got the keys.  What followed was a very busy few days moving, tidying and washing the flat.  Over a month on from our initial move, there are still bits at the flat that need to be fixed (broken window and plumbing), but slowly and surely it's coming together.  A few people have popped round to see the place, but once we actually have everything fixed and tidied up, we shall be looking to actually have people round for food and drinks (where in we can fit more than one person in!).

2. My Social Life
This has picked up somewhat!  Being back in Southend does have its perks, especially being so near to places.  Only a few weeks ago I found myself in Dick De Vignes for the first time since it was Chicago Rock (I'm going back quite a way there!) and I was pleasantly surprised.  Granted, it did feature a lot of older clientele and the majority of people I went to school with, but I think I handled it quite well.  Also, I've had the opportunity to hang out with some new people (namely one new person) which has brought me a few smiles.  Oh, and I got behind the DJ decks for the first time this year and loved every minute of it, so I may actually get my passion back for playing music to people.  With stuff planned over the next couple of weeks, my weekends should be quite interesting going forward!

3. My Passions
Those that know me know that I love film.  Despite agreeing last year to try and watch 1000 films a year, I made it to March before I conceded defeat - 18-19 films a week is doable, but doesn't leave you open for anything else.  I'm trying to watch a few films here and there, and since my move I've sat down and watched Iron Man 3, Carrie, Looper, Seven Psycopaths, The Jerk, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Dragnet, Problem Child, Gremlins, Babys Day Out, Police Academy and a couple more that have escaped me.  Hopefully I can soon get a cinema buddy that will join me for movies.

My other passion is Southend United.  I was at Wembley Stadium when we lost to Crewe on the 7th April, and we've kind of gone downhill since.  Hopefully Phil Brown will lead us up next season, and I've managed to bag myself another football "friend" who will join me at Roots Hall as long as we sit near the bar.  I was on the pitch earlier this year to celebrate our win over Orient, and I hope that we can get on the pitch for a promotion party in 2013/14.

Ok, for what was going to be a brief post, this has actually turned out quite well.  Getting the fingers typing has helped, and it's also made me want to bust out some more of my film reviews...think that may have to happen sooner rather than later!  Until then, expect a rant about the Apprentice, which starts at 9pm on BBC1 tonight.  Thats the one show that really makes my blue blood boil (and yes, I did just end this post with a wrestling reference)!

Come on Southend!!!!

As a kid I was never into football that much.  My dad did whatever he could to try and interest me, especially when it came to his team, Tottenham Hotspur.  My brother is a couple of years older than me, and he happily went with my dad to see games, though he ended up providing his allegiance to the red side of Liverpool.  For me, the idea of watching football was not as high up as other past-times.

I went to a crap old school in Southend.  For where it was situated (on the "millionaire's row" AKA Southchurch Boulevard) it weren't half a shit-hole (since leaving the Thorpe Bay school, it was closed down but has since re-opened as a community college).  The only way to bide the time during breaks (aside from bunking off or smoking) was to play football.

Playing football was a good thing - with my friends back then we played dirty, so there would always be dodgy tackles and a few punchups, but that was all part of the fun.  I was an energetic kid (in a way I still am - I find it very difficult just sitting down & doing nothing, and my mind will always wander unless my attention is fully taken), so the idea of sitting down for 90+ minutes always put me off.

It wasn't until 1992 that I was watching a league cup game on TV that pitted Tranmere Rovers against Aston Villa that I actually appreciated the art of watching football.  From that moment on, I started following the mighty (I use that term loosely) Villa.  However, being that I was a 12 year old kid who couldn't get to Birmingham to watch them, I also started visiting my hometown team of Southend United.

Over the next 20 years, I found that I'd spent most of my adult life cherring on the mighty Shrimpers over the Villa.  In fact, I worked for Southend United as a chief steward from the beginning of the 95/96 season, until the end of the 96/97 season.  During that time I got to meet the team and found myself chatting with one of my favourite players - Chris Powell - during Steve Tilson's testimonial match, as well as joke around with Andy Ansah and Jason Lee, experiences I would never have had the chance with some of my favourite Villa players.

Over the past 2 years, I've found my loyalty to the Villa waning, and at the end of last season I did something that some people may find controversial.  I ditched my allegiance to Aston Villa.  A lot of people thought that this was sacrilege, but I had always follwed Southend United alongside them.  Given Villa's form last season, I had had enough and decided to appreciate the football that my home town team could provide as my football allegiance.

I've been to a few games this season at Roots Hall, but none with as much on the line as last night.  Southend United had a slender 1-0 advantage over hated rivals Leyton Orient going into the 2nd leg of the Johnstones Paint Trophy Southern Area Final.  A spot at Wembley was available to the winner, so a win or draw would get us there.

As a football fan, I've experienced my fair share of nail-biting moments, but watching that game live last night was by far the worst.  We did not play exciting (or even good football) but we managed to sneak a spot at Wembley in injury time.  I was elated and managed to get on the pitch at the end of the game to celebrate with the other blues fans.

I've seen Southend United go from the top of the 1st Division (what is in effect the Championship) down to the bottom of league 2.  I've seen us go through highs (successive promotions & LDV final appearances) and lows, hell earlier on this season we were the most in form team in the country!  I've never had the opportunity to cheer my home town team to glory at Wembley Stadium, but I will do loud & proud on the 7th April 2013.

Last night was the culmination of 22 years of support for my team.  This is my thank you to those players and staff that made it possible for me to get to see Southend United at Wembley (seeing as its been 83 years since we were there last, this may not happen again in my lifetime).

Now its time to cheer the boys on as they push for a playoff place - lets hope this gives us the momentum to get there!  I'm going to use my last few words to quote a song that was sung loudly last night by the thousands on the Roots Hall pitch:

Que-sara-sara, whatever will be will be, we're going to wem-ber-ley, que-sara-sara!

The beginning of the Road to Wrestlemania

In just a few short weeks, the Road to Wrestlemania 29 will begin.  Usually at this point each match will have been decided, and all storylines will work towards finalising these on TV.  This is my look at the first of the three pay per views that will decide just who will be king of the mountain come the early hours of the 8th April 2013 (at least for us here in the UK).

Its guaranteed that Vince McMahon will have already noted who the Rumble winner will be this year.  If you take the time to look at the news sites online, you'll have seen that John Cena is the rumoured winner, who will go on to take on the Rock for the WWE title in the Wrestlemania Main Event for that all important pass-the-torch moment.  I have many gripes with this scenario.

Firstly, this would mean that the Rock would win the WWE title at the Royal Rumble by cleanly beating CM Punk.  This is itself a travesty.  Whilst I can understand that the Rock will no doubt bring in numerous ratings and buyrates, he isn't a constant performer anymore.  Having the title put on him will be a slap in the face to those who actually generally deserve it.  CM Punk would have been champion for around 430 days at the Rumble.  This means that whoever beats him would have done what no-one has been able to do for the past 14+ months.  If the Rock does beat him only to pass the title to Cena, who - in my honest opinion - is at the point where he doesn't need the title, this cheapens Punk's reign.

I'm all for a new champion (thank god the days of constant title changes appear to be behind us!) but it really should be someone else and more deserving.  My choice would be either Dolph Ziggler or Daniel Bryan (who, along with CM Punk, are two of the best workers in the company) as they would benefit more from the victory, especially as they have the criteria to be the future for the company over the next few years.

At the moment, the current Wrestlemania card is as follows:

Sheamus vs Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight title
John Cena vs the Rock for the WWE title
Brock Lesnar vs HHH
CM Punk vs Undertaker

At present, the predictable booking seems to be in place.  However, things can change - look at last year's Royal Rumble when Chris Jericho was booked to win until an hour before the pay per view started, as Vince McMahon realised that every fan in the world knew that was the finish so he stuck a different winner in.  Current news reports state that they are looking to keeping the title on Punk until Mania, which would be the preferred fan option, however this is just rumour at this time.

Looking at the current rumoured Mania card, this would mean that Punk loses the title to the Rock & will not be involved in the main event, which would be a travesty given all that he has done over the past year.  Whilst a Punk / Taker match would no doubt be a great match, we all know that he won't beat the streak.  There are so many options available in order to keep the title with Punk & have him lose to a babyface in the Mania main event.  Cena vs Punk doesn't do it for me (neither does Cena vs Rock), & I would rather have Cena take on Taker.

Please Vince, don't do what every fan knows you want to do & give Rock the title - that can be done after Mania if need be.  Jericho came back & put himself in the title picture last year - he didn't need the title then & Rock doesn't need it now!

Aside from the WWE title, the World Heavyweight title seems to be going in a predictable fashion, with Sheamus rumoured to either be the champ going into Mania, or win it from Randy Orton in the opening bout.  This leaves a question as to when one of these two will take the title off of Alberto Del Rio, who only won it a week ago - will it be at the Rumble or the Chamber?  It seems that Del Rio's face turn is to begin with an interim championship reign.  I think that putting the title on him was a master stroke, as it meant something due to Big Show being a super-dominant heel.  The rumour is that Orton will turn heel & beat Del Rio.  I'm all for that, as a heel Orton can do wonders with the over-loaded face stars they have.  I would have loved a Daniel Bryan vs Dolph Ziggler match, but we can't always get what we want.

It will be interesting to see how the next two months plan out on Smackdown.  Big Show will be involved at Mania, as they are looking to put him against Ryback - so am expecting some developments there.  Hopefully, by the time the Elimination Chamber comes around, things will start getting finalised (I will do a blog about the Chamber at that time).

At present, the only 2 matches announced for the Rumble are the WWE title match and the Rumble itself.  Now I'm a fan of the Rumble match.  I used to love the unpredictability of it.  But recently, its quite easy to determine who will win.  With Cena rumoured for this year, he was actually the last entrant whose appearance at the 2008 Royal Rumble genuinely shocked me (he was ruled out for about 8 months due to injury, but made an appearance after 3 months).  Aside from the odd legend or two, we can pretty much work out just who will win.  I want there to be the good spots where midcarders fill the ring only for one main event star to clear house - Kane in 2001 springs to mind.  The final few wrestlers in the ring should always be of the level where they could main event Mania.  This is one of the best gimmick matches that the WWE has.  Don't screw it up for the fans Vince!

The Road to Wrestlemania begins on the 27th January.  I for one hope that come the end of Wrestlemania, the new breed of superstars will be taking over - as I plan to be at the 2015 Royal Rumble, I hope that will be the case!