I'm going to kick off Spoiler Alert with a review of what I consider to be one of the most god-damn awful films of 2013. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my take on MOVIE 43.
There are in effect two versions of this filma out - one for the UK and European countries, and another for the rest of the world. The film itself is broken down into a number of "sketches" starring some of Hollywoods "finest". These sketches are located as part of the main story, which is different depending on what county you live in. The main story arc's are as follows:
For UK/European Countries - In order to "prank" his younger but much smarter brother, some douchebag claims that there is a movie online that has been banned by all major governments. He gets his little brother to hack into every major government facility in order to locate this, whilst he fills up his younger brothers laptop with porn pop-ups. However, along the way they get told to stop searching for Movie 43 as it will end up destroying civilisation (which ultimately ends up happening in some Terminator self-aware situation). The films they end up watching form the main basis of Movie 43.
For the rest of the world - A screenwriter attempts to pitch his movie idea to a movie executive, but when he gets kniocked back he pulls a gun & threatens the executive to listen to his ideas (which form the main basis of Movie 43) & purchase the film idea.
I can confirm that I watched the UK/European version, and the little story arc in that was god-damn fucking stupid! If you had a smart mouthed little brother, why would you try & get one on him but putting porn on his laptop & not just beat the snot out of him? Putting porn on my computer? If that was me I would welcome it. Also, the little kid can hack into every government facility in the world but his douchebag older brother thinks he won't be able to get a virus off his laptop? This was the first moment when I realised that this movie may be a huge pile of stinking flip, but I persevered.
At this point, the film breaks down into the movies that the little brother finds online:
1. The Catch
This involves Kate Winslet being set up on a blind date with Hugh Jackman, who portrays the most eligible bachelor in the city where this is set. Wearing a scarf, he takes it off to reveal two dangly hairy bollocks on his throat. For some reason, everyone that meets him never mentions the dangly balls.
Cue saucy balls, ball slapping & Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet. Trust me, its not as funny as it sounds. This particular segment was directed by one of the Farrelly brothers (the former gross-out kings of comedy) but is painfully unfunny. Though Kate Winslet being tea-bagged (in a non-sexual way) was not what I was expecting from this when I put this on.
Cue saucy balls, ball slapping & Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet. Trust me, its not as funny as it sounds. This particular segment was directed by one of the Farrelly brothers (the former gross-out kings of comedy) but is painfully unfunny. Though Kate Winslet being tea-bagged (in a non-sexual way) was not what I was expecting from this when I put this on.
2. HomeSchooled
So its come to the point where movie executives believe child abuse & incest are considered funny to american audiences. This segment involves a couple home schooling their teenage son, but also hazing him, bullying him and both mum & dad making sexual advances to him. When the neighbours meet the son he actually seems quite well adjusted until he states he's going on a date, at which point he introduces his girlfriend, which is just a mop with a picture of his mums face on it. Yep, thats how this segment ended.
3. The Proposition
Oh Anna Faris, since you've had those lips of yours blown up to trout like proportions, your career has not actually picked up (unfortunately you will always be known as the Scary Movie chick). In fact, if this segment is anything to go by, it's gone downhill fast. This segment involves a woman proposing her boyfriend to shit on her. Yep, you read that right. Shit on her. However, he can't really do it & ends up getting hit by a car where he just explodes in shit. After watching this, I knew exactly how the driver of that car felt - he too was flying headlong into a massive shit. Yet this has the desired effect on a shit-covered Anna Faris who declares it beautiful. So you heard it here first people, shit is beautiful. Time to soil those pants in public people!!!
4. Veronica
Emma Stone (who was the love interest in last year's latest Amazing Spiderman film) sure does have a filthy mouth. Here she plays an ex of Kieran Culkin, who decides to bring up every sexual instance together during their relationship, which is played over the intercom throughout the store Kieran works in. In the end all the shoppers agree to do Kierans shift to allow him to go after this girl. Well, there's 5 minutes of my life I'm never getting back.
5. iBabe
Here some crazy marketing people have created a naked woman speaker dock, called the iBabe. However, to ensure the "machine" is kept cool, they inserted a fan into the vaginal area, and had received complaints from teenage boys who had lost their fingers & penises when probing that area. Rather than remove the fan from that area, they just put a warning on the advert telling people not to have sex with the iBabe. Rumour has it that Richard Gere, who played the boss in this segment, actually walked off set & refused to have anything to do with this movie. How can you say that this is crass Richard when we all know about you shoving a gerbil up your bum! Being shallow (and also being a single hot-blooded man), I give this segment the thumbs up mainly for the full frontal femal nudity.
6. Superhero Speed Dating
An ingenious idea here whereby Robin (Justin Long) attempts speed dating to pick up a date, only to have Batman (Jason Sudeikis, from Horrible Bosses & Hall Pass) ruin each attempt. To give this spot it's due, both Justin & Jason are great comic actors, so they pulled this off, making Robin look like a pussy whilst Batman acts like a mjor dick. I can't fault this segment here, so this gets the thumbs up.
7. Machine Kids
Not really a segment, more like one of those charity appeal commercials, which want us to believe inside every machine there are small children who do the required work (namely an ATM which has one kid take the card and another kid push out the money). Nothing major but nothing really funny.
8. Middleschool Date
This segment involves a teenage girl (Chloe Grace Moretz - Hit Girl from Kick-Ass) coming round to have a date with her school crush, only to start her period during it. This gets noticed and the guy starts to believe she's bleeding to death, with his brother (McLovin from Superbad) and father thinking the same. So unfunny its unbelievable. What fricking idiot thought "Periods are funny, why dont we act like no-one but girls know what a period is" would be good for comedy. Monkeys, thats who. Not smart monkeys from Rise of the Planet of the Apes, more like monkeys that eat their own poo.
9. Tampax
Another commercial, this time for tampax. Two women are water ski-ing and suddenly a shark leaps out of the ocean and eats one of the women. All because she wasn't wearing tampax. Jesus christ, are we back in the 70's? How the hell are tampon adverts still considered funny?
10. Happy Birthday
Another segment I actually enjoyed. Johnny Knoxville & Stifler are best mates & housemates, but when Johnny sleeps with Stiflers missus he decides to make up for it by kidnapping a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his pot of gold. Unfortunately the leprechaun is a blood thirsty violent bastard with an obsession for skull fucking. In the end, Johnny & Stifler manage to survive an attack by two angry cock-obsessed leprechauns & get to spend their gold on a blow job giving fairy in return. It sounds unbelievably over the top (and it is) but all involved can do themselves proud - Gerard Butler was exceptionally good in his role. Thumbs up for me.
At this point, we're ten segments in, and I've only liked about 8 minutes of this film so far. Not boding well.
11. Truth or Dare
Halle Berry (my how the mighty have fallen) & Stephen merchant agree to meet on a blind date and play a game of truth or dare that involves plastic surgery, racism & extreme humiliation. I find Stephen Merchant funny, but not when he's portrayed as a bumbling loser who would do anything to have sex with Halle Berry. Didn't enjoy this, nor did I enjoy the amazingly massive boob prosthetics she was wearing at the end. Sorry, another 5 minutes wasted.
12. Victory's Glory
It's 1959, and an all black basketball team is going to take on an all white basketball team in the height of the segregation era. Whilst the coach (Terence Howard) is urging them to destroy their opponents, the all black team has their concerns. In the end, they trounce the all white team, who only earn one point but act like they won the game. That was it. That whole segment seemed like a big anti-white demonstration - the coach so vulgar in his delivery, with his team mates trying to prove that whites are better. When I watch a film, I don't mind if there's a message, but in this case it was just a "Black Is Better" for comedy effect. And it wasn't funny.
13. Beezel
Here we come to what the directors & producers claim to be the crowning segment in Movie 43 - a tale of a man and his animated cat Beezel. Basically, this guy wants his girlfriend to be more involved in his life, but she is worried that his animated cat doesn't like her. This is brought to the boil when she catches the cat wanking to pictures of his owner dressed in speedos, at which point Beezel tries to kill her. Unfortunately, she takes her revenge & tries to kill the cat, all in front of a young kids birthday party. Beezel survives and the girlfriend is arrested for cruelty to animals. Meh, it has some funny segments in it & the animation is done just like Ren & Stimpy, but at the end of the day this is just filler and nothing special.
So, for 13 segments, all of which are intertwined with this stupid story arc, I almost lost my entire will to live. I'm usually into the slapstick & stupidity that these segments try to bring, but on this occasion I was just embarrassed by it all. I had aimed to put a lot more pictures in to describe what I'm talking about, but I don't really want to see anymore of this then I have to, or put you through that.
I'm going to end this review with the Spoiler Alert score, but I warn you, this won't be pretty... My scores range from 0 (the lowest) to 10 (the highest) and cover the films plot/story, the casting & the lasting appeal.
Plot / Story wise, this is where the film loses nearly all credibility. The main story arc was pointless, and aside from a couple of funny moments, nearly every segment failed. Aside from the Superhero Speed Dating and Happy Birthday segments - which were the only parts I actually enjoyed - I hated the remainder of this film. Score wise, I would give the story points a grand total of 1 out of 10.
Casting, well there's a hell of a lot of famous people in this. It does strike more of quantity rather than quality, as some of these stars are only on screen for around 5-10 minutes tops. Big props to Jason Sudiekis, Justin Long, Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott & Gerard Butler for actually coming out of this with some credibility. However, these are mere blips to the cast list, which totals 84 people. Based on this, I would only give casting 1 out of 10.
Longevity wise, will this film be watched again & again? Not be me it won't, but maybe they'll show it to death row prisoners & its probably staple viewing for those stuck in Guantanamo Bay. Maybe if your favourite film was Freddy Got Fingered this would be right up your street, or if you've had major head trauma then this could be considered "watchable", but for me its a no go. I'm sorry Movie 43, but you get nothing for longevity or lasting appeal.
Based on this, I'll take an average of the 3 sections to determine the total score I'm going to give. From this, I can confirm that....
Plot / Story wise, this is where the film loses nearly all credibility. The main story arc was pointless, and aside from a couple of funny moments, nearly every segment failed. Aside from the Superhero Speed Dating and Happy Birthday segments - which were the only parts I actually enjoyed - I hated the remainder of this film. Score wise, I would give the story points a grand total of 1 out of 10.
Casting, well there's a hell of a lot of famous people in this. It does strike more of quantity rather than quality, as some of these stars are only on screen for around 5-10 minutes tops. Big props to Jason Sudiekis, Justin Long, Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott & Gerard Butler for actually coming out of this with some credibility. However, these are mere blips to the cast list, which totals 84 people. Based on this, I would only give casting 1 out of 10.
Longevity wise, will this film be watched again & again? Not be me it won't, but maybe they'll show it to death row prisoners & its probably staple viewing for those stuck in Guantanamo Bay. Maybe if your favourite film was Freddy Got Fingered this would be right up your street, or if you've had major head trauma then this could be considered "watchable", but for me its a no go. I'm sorry Movie 43, but you get nothing for longevity or lasting appeal.
Based on this, I'll take an average of the 3 sections to determine the total score I'm going to give. From this, I can confirm that....
Movie 43, you obtain a score of 1 out of 10 - Officially a STINKER!!!!
That is me being very generous, as this would definitely have been a zero score movie, were it not for 2 specific segments that kept me entertained.
Spoiler Alert will be back later for another review, going through films released in 2013 - there's quite a choice available (good and bad) so hopefully I'll get round to reviewing one of your films of the year. If you agree or disagree with my review, please feel free to comment!
Spoiler Alert will be back later for another review, going through films released in 2013 - there's quite a choice available (good and bad) so hopefully I'll get round to reviewing one of your films of the year. If you agree or disagree with my review, please feel free to comment!
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