Yep, it's me again. And yep, it's another rant about the posh plebs who are performing incredibly stupidly for my own amusement. That's right, it's time for another Apprentice rant!
Firstly, to the BBC, you claim the show is on for 12 weeks but yet you show the second episode the day after the first? Is this indicative of the way the show will be this year, in that you're packing 12 weeks of douchebags being plebs into a 6 week period? This really has nothing to do with my rant, but I was out Tuesday watching the football & was only made aware of this second episode about 10 minutes before it started!
Ok, so onto the second episode. I was actually looking forward to watching this, as watching dumbasses trying to make beer was bound to be tittilating, especially because you know a cock-up was bound to occur. I wasn't disappointed.
Firstly, one of the boys (Tim) was assigned to be head of the girls (in a non-pervy way) as he piped up after his team had won the last task. You could tell the guy was loving it, as everything the girls said he agreed to. Yep, he changed his mind every single time. He was only after a bit of boob methinks! But if you're going to run a business, the best boss to be is the David Brent friendly boss, as we knoe that works out right...right?
At least his team decided on a brand, flavour and advertising way before the boys who, for some strange reason, had decided on the flavour, name & advertising before the makers had actually ascertained what flavours would work. I have to give the boys their due though, they did get manufacturing straight away whilst the girls couldn't get a simple bit of maths right & had already lost the task before the beer was even made.
It was then onto the big sell where the stupidity really kicked in. At this point, I would like to go back to my previous rant, in which I had a pop at the schoolboy who's never had a job before. If you didn't know that he hadn't ever worked a day in his life, then hopefully this proved it to you. He was like a private schoolboy in a brothel - he wanted to get stuck in but had no clue what he was doing. Then he tried to claim that the other sales guys were misleading the customer - well, I'll let you into a little secret Jason, THATS WHAT SALES IS!!!! Sell the product, make it sexy, even if you talk bollocks about it! Dumb posh pleb.
The boys started off spectacularly stupidly - half headed to St Albans to sell their chocolate orange beer at London prices, then went back to London to sell it at St Albans prices. Surely that should be the other way round? Wait a minute, they are all twats. I forgot that for a moment. You are excused Endeavour. Wait a moment! I also forgot that half the boys attempted to sell casks of beer with absolutely no samples or advertising, and left it to Dracula to think about sucking sheeps dry. The lack of business acumen shown towards businesses was amazing.
Then we got to the girls. they went to the Kent Beer Festival. Which was in a pub. In Hackney. In London. Yep, you read that right. Though, to their credit they did sell well. Then they decided to head to the yuppy area of Richmond to a WINE BAR to sell their beer. Yep, a WINE bar. Surely they should have guessed by the bar type & patrons only drinking WINE that the beer wouldn't help. If in doubt though, pimp off one of the girls to offer sex to drinkers in exchange for them buying drinks. It was cringeworthy.
In the end, somehow the boys won, but then again they did pimp off the beer at a price tramps could afford. I got kind of bored towards the end of this episode, as I was heading out to a quiz night and was trying to make myself look pretty. All I know is that a pleb was fired. Thankfully I didn't see what the next task was, so that leaves me open to some sort of surprise.
Sorry the blog is a bit short today, but I'm tired, cranky, stressed & currently have a shit load of work to get on with. So peace out party people!
Friday 10 May 2013
Wednesday 8 May 2013
The Apprentice - Shouting at my television!!!
I know what you're all thinking, another blog just one day after the last one - yes, this is the first time this has happened this year, and hopefully it's a trend that will continue going forward.
So how's everyone doing today? Feeling refreshed today? Right, well I hope you're ready for a rant of sorts, as I watched the latest series of the Apprentice last night. I don't really know why I watch this show, it is pure car crash television, but I think it must be my deep seated desire to be amused, as the majority of people on the show are utter, utter, utter, UTTER douchebags and I do like watching people that deserve to fail actually fail. Come on, how hard is it to actually do the things asked of you?
Well, the new series started with 16 would-be business partners, which included blonde airheads, posh twats, people with Napoleon complexes and one that looked like Dracula. The task for these douchebags? Sell general stuff to London stores. First thing first though, they had to pick team leaders...
For the girls, Jaz (who liked like an oak tree) immediately offered her "expertise", which was to patronise her "employees" by treating them as if they were about 8 years old. I was half expecting her to start patting the rest of the girls on their heads then, when someone said or did something half decent, have her clap loudly just like Peter Griffin did in the Family Guy episode "Petarded". This is a woman who seems so sure of her ability to lead, that she continually asked for approval from her followers, in a desperate attempt to feel self-worth. Her acceptance of the team name Evolve was brilliantly pathetic - you can tell she's angling for her own show on Pick TV at some point. Keep hoping love. As for the team name Evolve - the only thing evolving is the menstrual cycles and need for chocolate cake.
Then we get to the boys. I would say men but these guys always look like they have no clue what happens in the real world. Take the team leader Jason, a man who has never had a job in his life - you can guaran-damn-tee that his parents paid for him to study greek philosophy/mythology/whatever at the finest university around. This is what gets my goat, the first Apprentice was made in America with Donald Trump, and it included one college dropout who actually performed much better than most business owners. I wanted something like this in the UK version, maybe have someone with no business acumen try to win it. it would have been an underdog story. Then we get this, a posh 22 year old who has had his life paid for every day. He took the Team Leader spot and just proved exactly how little he knows business by being unable to sell something as simple as a leather jacket or a union jack mug, and in doing so another member of the team stepped up to take charge.
And don't even get me started on the scary welsh guy - "people say I look like famous people, and I've been called Freddie Mercury before" - yeah, a gypsy romani version of a moustached Freddie Mercury. Minus his talent. I think that Miles was correct when he stated that you looked like someone else famous. Dracula. Yep, Dracula. He hit the nail on the mark there.
What I don't get about this show is that, when there are three people in the boardroom awaiting Nookie Bear's verdict, they really slag each other off. After that they're all huggy and nice and friendly with the fired competitor and with each other when they get back to the house. Really? If that was me I would either explode in their face (not sexually, just figuratively) with insult after insult (probably involving their mama) or just bide my time and wait for the perfect revenge moment. I would not be nice. And that is saying something, as I'm actually a nice guy.
So this was how I spent my Tuesday evening, watching 16 plebs battle it out over the next 12 weeks to be a business partner to the guy who made Amstrad computers in the 80s (I had one, they weren't that great), only to find themselves either leaving/being fired within 3 months, or if the winner is female, launching a sexual harassment/discrimination suit within 3 months. Anything to get into Nuts or Zoo magazine.
The crazy thing is, I will still be watching this every week. So expect more Apprentice rant blog shennanigans to come.
Until then, peace out.
So how's everyone doing today? Feeling refreshed today? Right, well I hope you're ready for a rant of sorts, as I watched the latest series of the Apprentice last night. I don't really know why I watch this show, it is pure car crash television, but I think it must be my deep seated desire to be amused, as the majority of people on the show are utter, utter, utter, UTTER douchebags and I do like watching people that deserve to fail actually fail. Come on, how hard is it to actually do the things asked of you?
Well, the new series started with 16 would-be business partners, which included blonde airheads, posh twats, people with Napoleon complexes and one that looked like Dracula. The task for these douchebags? Sell general stuff to London stores. First thing first though, they had to pick team leaders...
For the girls, Jaz (who liked like an oak tree) immediately offered her "expertise", which was to patronise her "employees" by treating them as if they were about 8 years old. I was half expecting her to start patting the rest of the girls on their heads then, when someone said or did something half decent, have her clap loudly just like Peter Griffin did in the Family Guy episode "Petarded". This is a woman who seems so sure of her ability to lead, that she continually asked for approval from her followers, in a desperate attempt to feel self-worth. Her acceptance of the team name Evolve was brilliantly pathetic - you can tell she's angling for her own show on Pick TV at some point. Keep hoping love. As for the team name Evolve - the only thing evolving is the menstrual cycles and need for chocolate cake.
Then we get to the boys. I would say men but these guys always look like they have no clue what happens in the real world. Take the team leader Jason, a man who has never had a job in his life - you can guaran-damn-tee that his parents paid for him to study greek philosophy/mythology/whatever at the finest university around. This is what gets my goat, the first Apprentice was made in America with Donald Trump, and it included one college dropout who actually performed much better than most business owners. I wanted something like this in the UK version, maybe have someone with no business acumen try to win it. it would have been an underdog story. Then we get this, a posh 22 year old who has had his life paid for every day. He took the Team Leader spot and just proved exactly how little he knows business by being unable to sell something as simple as a leather jacket or a union jack mug, and in doing so another member of the team stepped up to take charge.
And don't even get me started on the scary welsh guy - "people say I look like famous people, and I've been called Freddie Mercury before" - yeah, a gypsy romani version of a moustached Freddie Mercury. Minus his talent. I think that Miles was correct when he stated that you looked like someone else famous. Dracula. Yep, Dracula. He hit the nail on the mark there.
What I don't get about this show is that, when there are three people in the boardroom awaiting Nookie Bear's verdict, they really slag each other off. After that they're all huggy and nice and friendly with the fired competitor and with each other when they get back to the house. Really? If that was me I would either explode in their face (not sexually, just figuratively) with insult after insult (probably involving their mama) or just bide my time and wait for the perfect revenge moment. I would not be nice. And that is saying something, as I'm actually a nice guy.
So this was how I spent my Tuesday evening, watching 16 plebs battle it out over the next 12 weeks to be a business partner to the guy who made Amstrad computers in the 80s (I had one, they weren't that great), only to find themselves either leaving/being fired within 3 months, or if the winner is female, launching a sexual harassment/discrimination suit within 3 months. Anything to get into Nuts or Zoo magazine.
The crazy thing is, I will still be watching this every week. So expect more Apprentice rant blog shennanigans to come.
Until then, peace out.
Tuesday 7 May 2013
It's been too long - I need to write again!
Yep, I know it. I've been very very lax in updating my blog. I've kept saying that I want to get back into writing, and putting my thoughts down in words will help my imagination flow in some crazy way.
There are reasons for the lack of any new blog pages. One of those involved me moving out of my house share in Benfleet and moving back to my old stomping ground in Southchurch. This move was kind of put upon me by some unbelievable douchebags (not my housemates, just two people who owned half the house) and caused a fair bit of stress, though I tried not to let it show. The real reason for the stress was the passing of my nan, just prior to moving.
I'd like to take this moment and talk about my nan, and how her passing affected me. If you talk to my mum and uncle, they would both agree that my nan was not a particularly maternal person, but I know that she loved her kids, and they in turn loved her and looked after her right until she passed away. As a grandchild, I can only say good things about my nan. She wasn't the greatest cook and, at times, bordered on eccentric, but she was good with me and my brother, as well as my cousins.
I have very good memories of her bungalow in Leigh, some of which I will never share with anyone other than my family. I remember Saturday afternoons playing in her garden, picking apples then watching Supergran, the A-Team and Columbo. Despite being much older than her grandkids, she would always let us watch what we wanted, or let us run up to the shop for ice pops.
Just over a week before my nan passed, she was given the last rites, as many didn't believe that she would hang on much longer. But she did. She was given the last rites on the Sunday evening, but didn't pass away until the following Friday, Good Friday - a fitting date for a woman who believed in god and was a true servant at her local church. I wasn't there at the end, but I had been there throughout the week. My last memory of her will always be her 90th birthday, just over a week before the end. The whole family were there and, when we started singing Happy Birthday, she opened her eyes and smiled, before drifting off. I never saw her awake again, but I know that she would have been so happy at that point.
On the 7th April 2013, I tried to hold back tears as I carried my nan to her final resting place. Both me and my brother kissed her coffin goodbye, and I hope she's up there watching down on us now. Hopefully you can bring a little luck to us nan.
As I write this, I'm getting choked up but the memories are playing in my head and I'm smiling too. It's true that the most emotional experiences can cause so many different feelings, and I want to be able to try and capture that in writing form.
Now I'm back in Southchurch and enjoying my new flat (which still requires a lot of work), and have some spare time in the evening, I'm going to try and update this blog as often as possible (I hope!). Starting today, I'm going to try and blog about things that are going on in my life at the moment.
1. My New Abode
As I've mentioned above, I recently moved back to Southchurch. I was enjoying my time in Benfleet, as I lived with some good people. Unfortunately, towards the end of March, some unscrupulous bastards (who were well aware of my nan's health at the time) decided that my rent needed to be increased. With the amount that I was expected to pay, it made more sense to get my own place. Thankfully, my little cousin (who also lived in our Benfleet house share) was able to help pay the bills, so the two of us looked at places and found one in Southchurch, 10 mins from town.
On the 5th April 2013, we signed the tennancy agreement and got the keys. What followed was a very busy few days moving, tidying and washing the flat. Over a month on from our initial move, there are still bits at the flat that need to be fixed (broken window and plumbing), but slowly and surely it's coming together. A few people have popped round to see the place, but once we actually have everything fixed and tidied up, we shall be looking to actually have people round for food and drinks (where in we can fit more than one person in!).
2. My Social Life
This has picked up somewhat! Being back in Southend does have its perks, especially being so near to places. Only a few weeks ago I found myself in Dick De Vignes for the first time since it was Chicago Rock (I'm going back quite a way there!) and I was pleasantly surprised. Granted, it did feature a lot of older clientele and the majority of people I went to school with, but I think I handled it quite well. Also, I've had the opportunity to hang out with some new people (namely one new person) which has brought me a few smiles. Oh, and I got behind the DJ decks for the first time this year and loved every minute of it, so I may actually get my passion back for playing music to people. With stuff planned over the next couple of weeks, my weekends should be quite interesting going forward!
3. My Passions
Those that know me know that I love film. Despite agreeing last year to try and watch 1000 films a year, I made it to March before I conceded defeat - 18-19 films a week is doable, but doesn't leave you open for anything else. I'm trying to watch a few films here and there, and since my move I've sat down and watched Iron Man 3, Carrie, Looper, Seven Psycopaths, The Jerk, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Dragnet, Problem Child, Gremlins, Babys Day Out, Police Academy and a couple more that have escaped me. Hopefully I can soon get a cinema buddy that will join me for movies.
My other passion is Southend United. I was at Wembley Stadium when we lost to Crewe on the 7th April, and we've kind of gone downhill since. Hopefully Phil Brown will lead us up next season, and I've managed to bag myself another football "friend" who will join me at Roots Hall as long as we sit near the bar. I was on the pitch earlier this year to celebrate our win over Orient, and I hope that we can get on the pitch for a promotion party in 2013/14.
Ok, for what was going to be a brief post, this has actually turned out quite well. Getting the fingers typing has helped, and it's also made me want to bust out some more of my film reviews...think that may have to happen sooner rather than later! Until then, expect a rant about the Apprentice, which starts at 9pm on BBC1 tonight. Thats the one show that really makes my blue blood boil (and yes, I did just end this post with a wrestling reference)!
There are reasons for the lack of any new blog pages. One of those involved me moving out of my house share in Benfleet and moving back to my old stomping ground in Southchurch. This move was kind of put upon me by some unbelievable douchebags (not my housemates, just two people who owned half the house) and caused a fair bit of stress, though I tried not to let it show. The real reason for the stress was the passing of my nan, just prior to moving.
I'd like to take this moment and talk about my nan, and how her passing affected me. If you talk to my mum and uncle, they would both agree that my nan was not a particularly maternal person, but I know that she loved her kids, and they in turn loved her and looked after her right until she passed away. As a grandchild, I can only say good things about my nan. She wasn't the greatest cook and, at times, bordered on eccentric, but she was good with me and my brother, as well as my cousins.
I have very good memories of her bungalow in Leigh, some of which I will never share with anyone other than my family. I remember Saturday afternoons playing in her garden, picking apples then watching Supergran, the A-Team and Columbo. Despite being much older than her grandkids, she would always let us watch what we wanted, or let us run up to the shop for ice pops.
Just over a week before my nan passed, she was given the last rites, as many didn't believe that she would hang on much longer. But she did. She was given the last rites on the Sunday evening, but didn't pass away until the following Friday, Good Friday - a fitting date for a woman who believed in god and was a true servant at her local church. I wasn't there at the end, but I had been there throughout the week. My last memory of her will always be her 90th birthday, just over a week before the end. The whole family were there and, when we started singing Happy Birthday, she opened her eyes and smiled, before drifting off. I never saw her awake again, but I know that she would have been so happy at that point.
On the 7th April 2013, I tried to hold back tears as I carried my nan to her final resting place. Both me and my brother kissed her coffin goodbye, and I hope she's up there watching down on us now. Hopefully you can bring a little luck to us nan.
As I write this, I'm getting choked up but the memories are playing in my head and I'm smiling too. It's true that the most emotional experiences can cause so many different feelings, and I want to be able to try and capture that in writing form.
Now I'm back in Southchurch and enjoying my new flat (which still requires a lot of work), and have some spare time in the evening, I'm going to try and update this blog as often as possible (I hope!). Starting today, I'm going to try and blog about things that are going on in my life at the moment.
1. My New Abode
As I've mentioned above, I recently moved back to Southchurch. I was enjoying my time in Benfleet, as I lived with some good people. Unfortunately, towards the end of March, some unscrupulous bastards (who were well aware of my nan's health at the time) decided that my rent needed to be increased. With the amount that I was expected to pay, it made more sense to get my own place. Thankfully, my little cousin (who also lived in our Benfleet house share) was able to help pay the bills, so the two of us looked at places and found one in Southchurch, 10 mins from town.
On the 5th April 2013, we signed the tennancy agreement and got the keys. What followed was a very busy few days moving, tidying and washing the flat. Over a month on from our initial move, there are still bits at the flat that need to be fixed (broken window and plumbing), but slowly and surely it's coming together. A few people have popped round to see the place, but once we actually have everything fixed and tidied up, we shall be looking to actually have people round for food and drinks (where in we can fit more than one person in!).
2. My Social Life
This has picked up somewhat! Being back in Southend does have its perks, especially being so near to places. Only a few weeks ago I found myself in Dick De Vignes for the first time since it was Chicago Rock (I'm going back quite a way there!) and I was pleasantly surprised. Granted, it did feature a lot of older clientele and the majority of people I went to school with, but I think I handled it quite well. Also, I've had the opportunity to hang out with some new people (namely one new person) which has brought me a few smiles. Oh, and I got behind the DJ decks for the first time this year and loved every minute of it, so I may actually get my passion back for playing music to people. With stuff planned over the next couple of weeks, my weekends should be quite interesting going forward!
3. My Passions
Those that know me know that I love film. Despite agreeing last year to try and watch 1000 films a year, I made it to March before I conceded defeat - 18-19 films a week is doable, but doesn't leave you open for anything else. I'm trying to watch a few films here and there, and since my move I've sat down and watched Iron Man 3, Carrie, Looper, Seven Psycopaths, The Jerk, Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels, Dragnet, Problem Child, Gremlins, Babys Day Out, Police Academy and a couple more that have escaped me. Hopefully I can soon get a cinema buddy that will join me for movies.
My other passion is Southend United. I was at Wembley Stadium when we lost to Crewe on the 7th April, and we've kind of gone downhill since. Hopefully Phil Brown will lead us up next season, and I've managed to bag myself another football "friend" who will join me at Roots Hall as long as we sit near the bar. I was on the pitch earlier this year to celebrate our win over Orient, and I hope that we can get on the pitch for a promotion party in 2013/14.
Ok, for what was going to be a brief post, this has actually turned out quite well. Getting the fingers typing has helped, and it's also made me want to bust out some more of my film reviews...think that may have to happen sooner rather than later! Until then, expect a rant about the Apprentice, which starts at 9pm on BBC1 tonight. Thats the one show that really makes my blue blood boil (and yes, I did just end this post with a wrestling reference)!
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