PROLOGUE
Who am I I hear you ask, and why am I reading some nonsensical musings and ramblings of someone that hasn't even auditioned for Big Brother? Trust me, I'm not a celebrity. I'm just an unassuming 35 year old buffoon from a seaside (well, Thames Estuary-side) town that has entirely way too much time on his hands. Why not tell everyone about my life? Hell if Joey Essex can write a book (I assume it's a real book and not a big book of Smurfs colouring book) then I can too. I may not be on telly, but I at least know my ABC's and can count to ten without the use of my fingers. And yes, that is a knock on the state of so-called "reality" TV these days, which may happen a lot during the subsequent pages, and that's something coming from a wrestling fan, as we all know without a shadow of a doubt, that wrestling is real. Right? Right?
Over the next however many pages (I've just started with the prologue and I'm not entirely sure how many I'm actually going to complete before I call it THE END, but it will be bigger than a copy of Razzle, just without the pictures and readers wives sections - if you don't know what Razzle is/was, you never checked the top shelf of your local newsagent, did you?)I'm going to put everything on paper that I remember about my life - every high, every low and all the embarrassing moments I found myself in. And if I feel that it's getting too boring, or too preachy, I'm just gonna make shit up, just like that dude Screech from Saved By the Bell who once starred in a porn film that you can never unsee. So for artistic licence purposes, I would like to end this prologue and start the book off right with the following:
"BASED ON A TRUE STORY"
So strap in, get a cuppa, a bourbon biscuit and get ready for product placement aplenty, as we delve into the life of a Non-Celebrity that will make no sense to those that didn't live it or weren't a part of it. Just take it for what it is, and that's a way to kill time. I hope that one day, my memoirs will be read by people on the toilet the whole world over. It helps to have a dream, and my dreams are minimalistic. And that's my headstone engraving sorted.
Read on dear listeners, and help me in my goal to become slightly more famous than anyone that put on a Teletubby outfit in the 90's (but I still won't go on Big Brother).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHAPTER 1: THE END OF THE BEGINNING, OR THE BEGINNING OF THE END?
I don't know if this is the normal way autobiographies start (I doubt it seeing as important celebrity people start from birth (never conception, maybe they too just don't really want to know or imagine their parents ever doing the horizontal hunka-chunka in the first place) but as I'm not a celebrity and merely just some strange fellow from the Southeast of England, I've decided against the norm and to just start this book right now, as in like now. The present. Not the past or the middle. It's a story within a book within a story, but not in a dream like state like that film Inception (was it all a dream?). Sure, by the time you read this it will be the future. So kind of accept this slightly like time travel, just without a hoverboard.
I'm currently 35 years old, though by the time I finish this book who knows what age I will be? I'm writing this as, surprisingly, I've managed to bag myself a real life working girlfriend and wanted to put down some of my life in a way to show her just exactly what she's actually dating in the vaguest of hopes that she'll think I'm adorable, though i am expecting she will just find me creepy as she reads this. Hence the need for artistic licence to amend those paritcular moments in my life in which I just come across like a twat (there have been a few), as otherwise it would be merely cringe-inducing. So I leave it to you dear reader to deduce just what moments are truth, and which are fiction (to my girlfriend, I promise you will be the only one other than me to know the truth!). I can use artistic licence, hell the Americans use it whenever they make a World War 2 film - you don't see us Brits making a film about the Vietnam War with Benedict Cumberhatch playing a grizzled veteran gunning down the vietcong, though I may actually pay to watch that (after all, I have seen Sharknado more than once, so obviously I know a thing or two about films).
For the first time in my life I can honestly, hand on heart, call myself a grown up. Hell, I discussed mortgages last night - what self respecting celebrity would put details of mortgage shopping into their autobiographies? None, thats who. Maybe John Major's retirement memoirs (he was pretty boring after all, especially if you choose to believe what Spitting Image told us). Yep, this former hellraising party animal is now at home sitting in his pants looking at houses to buy, and with me not being an ounce of famous, it means I have to rely on what many in my boat call lower level income.
I work for a soul-less corporation of blood sucking fiends that do all they can to ensure that I stay in exactly the same income and level in order to obtain a nice redundancy payout when they effectively shuffle me off the working coil. I earn enough to ensure I live surrounded by the finest mahogany furniture, and own the largest collection of velour blazers and cordoruy trousers known to man. I earn enough money to live off soup 4-5 days a week, and the rest of the time I spend treating my girlfriend to what can only be described as a chinese meal and maybe a fry up.
I lead a very normal life, somewhat boring from time to time, but thats the same as everyone else in my position. The difference between my life and someone who has enough money to buy everything is simply down to one word - happiness. Whilst I have days of ups and downs, I can happily say that everything I own is mine, and I worked hard to get it. Sure, I'd like a bit more money from time to time (who wouldn't?) but money is not the be all and end all. How many rich people do you know that aren't egomaniacal douchebags? I may be "poor" compared to them, but I don't need stuff. I've got memories in my head and I've done more in 35 years than most people will ever do. So take this as the inane ramblings from a nobody if you will, or take this as a motivational speech. You don't need things to be happy - if you do then you never will be. Though I always will pay out for comfortable pants. Thems a must. Why is it that the most comfortable clothes you own are the ones with holes in them that you really truly don't want to throw away? Why can't they just invent pants that never deteriorate, or trousers that don't split at the crotch over time? One day, some time in the future, that dream will become a reality.
And on that note, I thank you for making it to the end of this first chapter. Chrissie, if you're reading this, this book is for you. I hope it makes you laugh, and maybe makes you teary from time to time (either through genuine feelings or laughter), as you have inspired me to write again. If you're reading this and you aren't my girlfriend, then I can only say cheers for giving me your time, and I hope you enjoy the rest of my unassuming life. I guarantee you embarassing predicaments and cringe worthy moments in the many chapters to follow, and if my life makes the most curmudgeonly of you smile or even giggle, then my work will be done.
Thursday, 28 August 2014
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
New Post for a New Jamie
It has been way too flipping long since I last decided to write a blog post. There's been a few reasons for it but I definitely need to start pulling my finger out and getting back in the blog game. Since I last posted a blog, I have met a fantastic girl who has left me feeling fantastic and ready to tackle anything every day, and this has got the creative juices in my head going 100 miles an hour up and down the motorway of my imaginative mind. It's due to this that I've decided on a new writing kick to keep me occupied in the moments I'm not able to see her (bloody work getting in the way!).
I've got a few ideas in my mind, but I'm told that I can be funny at times, so I'm going to set my mind on that and, for the foreseeable future, I aim to write the first of my many memoirs, which I shall be calling "Who Are You? An Autobiography of An Unassuming Non-Celebrity". This will be a mix of reality and imagination, giving everyone that cares to read it a glimpse into the world of a complete and utter non-celebrity that's trying to make his way in the world.
For those interested in noting how well this could go, please find below the first page, lovingly titled Prologue. Enjoy!
I've got a few ideas in my mind, but I'm told that I can be funny at times, so I'm going to set my mind on that and, for the foreseeable future, I aim to write the first of my many memoirs, which I shall be calling "Who Are You? An Autobiography of An Unassuming Non-Celebrity". This will be a mix of reality and imagination, giving everyone that cares to read it a glimpse into the world of a complete and utter non-celebrity that's trying to make his way in the world.
For those interested in noting how well this could go, please find below the first page, lovingly titled Prologue. Enjoy!
PROLOGUE
Who am I I hear you ask, and why am I reading some nonsensical musings and ramblings of someone that hasn't even auditioned for Big Brother? Trust me, I'm not a celebrity. I'm just an unassuming 35 year old buffoon from a seaside (well, Thames Estuary-side) town that has entirely way too much time on his hands. Why not tell everyone about my life? Hell if Joey Essex can write a book (I assume it's a real book and not a big book of Smurfs colouring book) then I can too. I may not be on telly, but I at least know my ABC's and can count to ten without the use of my fingers. And yes, that is a knock on the state of so-called "reality" TV these days, which may happen a lot during the subsequent pages, and that's something coming from a wrestling fan, as we all know without a shadow of a doubt, that wrestling is real. Right? Right?
Over the next however many pages (I've just started with the prologue and I'm not entirely sure how many I'm actually going to complete before I call it THE END, but it will be bigger than a copy of Razzle, just without the pictures and readers wives sections - if you don't know what Razzle is/was, you never checked the top shelf of your local newsagent, did you?)I'm going to put everything on paper that I remember about my life - every high, every low and all the embarrassing moments I found myself in. And if I feel that it's getting too boring, or too preachy, I'm just gonna make shit up, just like that dude Screech from Saved By the Bell who once starred in a porn film that you can never unsee. So for artistic licence purposes, I would like to end this prologue and start the book off right with the following:
"BASED ON A TRUE STORY"
So strap in, get a cuppa, a bourbon biscuit and get ready for product placement aplenty, as we delve into the life of a Non-Celebrity that will make no sense to those that didn't live it or weren't a part of it. Just take it for what it is, and that's a way to kill time. I hope that one day, my memoirs will be read by people on the toilet the whole world over. It helps to have a dream, and my dreams are minimalistic. And that's my headstone engraving sorted.
Read on dear listeners, and help me in my goal to become slightly more famous than anyone that put on a Teletubby outfit in the 90's (but I still won't go on Big Brother).
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Remembering the Ultimate Warrior
Today started like such a normal day - the sun was out, birds were tweeting, the usual - and as I turned the alarm off of my phone, I noticed a news story that literally cause my jaw to drop. This news was exceptionally sad, and meant that another small part of my childhood was lost as I head towards my late 30's / impending 40's. This news - courtesy of Rajah.com - was the following headline:
Ultimate Warrior Has Died
Surely, this wasn't the truth? I, like millions of others, stayed up into the early hours of Monday morning and watched James Hellwig (The Ultimate Warrior) earn his rightful spot as part of the WWE Hall of Fame. And last night, catching up with Monday Night Raw, I saw Mr Hellwig shake the ropes one more time, and for a split second it was just like the old days. How could, just a few mere hours later, he be pronounced dead?
As a kid, I started watching the World Wrestling Federation in November 1988, with my first taste of their product being the 1988 Survivor Series that a friend had recorded. This was where my love for sports-entertainment began. Be it for the characters, the choreography (back then I was fully aware that it was scripted, even as a naive and precocious 10 year old), the music, the splendour, I was hooked. Back in 1988, the Survivor Series card was built of a number of 5-on-5 tag team elimination matches. The superstars at this one particular event were in full flow - Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Ted Dibiase, Andre the Giant, Jake Roberts, Mr Perfect, Shawn Michaels, Marty Jannetty, The British Bulldogs, Demolition and more. However, one superstar stood out to me. He had the look, the colour, the speed, the strength, and the most recognisable theme music since Real American. That man was the Ultimate Warrior.
I was in awe of his energy and that he appeared to be almost impervious to pain. After watching him become the sole survivor of his team, I determined that I was going to be one of the Warriors, his loyal group of fans. After going back and watching every PPV up to that point, I found myself, like most kids at that point, having joint allegiances with Hulk Hogan and the Warrior. Neither had met in the ring one-on-one, but at the 1990 Royal Rumble, we had the first staredown. Then came the Ultimate Challenge at Wrestlemania 6.
Back in those days, I wasn't allowed to stay up well into the early hours, and we had no internet to give us spoiler results, so I had to wait until my one friend who had Sky Sports let me borrow his taped copy of the event. Watching the main event, I almost couldn't face the screen, as two of my "heroes" were trying to destroy each other. When Warrior got the pin, I was ecstatic. Hogan was still up there, but Warrior was so much cooler.
As I got older, my interest in the WWF (as they were at that time) waned for other interests (girls mainly). When I started watching again in 1999 (the first event I would watch happened to be Over the Edge where Owen Hart was killed doing an in ring stunt) the old guard had gone. There was no Hogan, and there was no Warrior.
I found it interesting that I, like most kids, were in awe of these two wrestlers, as watching their matches back now you can see just how bad they actually were. Aside from Wrestlemania 6 and 7, Warrior never had career defining matches, and became promptly buried by the WWE in 2005 following the release of the Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. Watching that, you realised the guy made no sense, he was sloppy and he was unreliable. However, he still had the look, the it factor, and deserved his place at the top of the wrestling tableau at least once in his life.
I've sat through the shoot videos between Warrior and Hogan, I've heard Warrior say many things that some could consider hate crimes. Yet these two wrestlers still hold a place in my heart, a place reserved for childhood memories. And at Wrestlemania 30, Hogan came out first, but Warrior got the pop that mattered. He was loved still, all these years later - 24 years after he won the WWF title - by those that remembered him back then, those that had grown up but still remembered the music, the energy.
On Monday Night Raw, he came to the ring in a Warrior jacket, he shook the ropes, and he gave us a fantastic promo, that proved he loved the fans. Shockingly, some 24 hours later, his words have taken on a whole new meaning. We don't know how he passed, or whether he knew himself, but his words seemed to indicate that maybe, the gods from above had told him his time on earth was up, and he was to reign in the mountains above.
I've seen the loss of many a wrestler I appreciated over the years, but none as much as James Hellwig. He may not have been the greatest wrestler in the world, but he could make the hair on your neck stand up as soon as his music hit. He was one of the greatest remembered stars in professional wrestling, and he will be sorely missed by the fans, and by me - the 35 year old, and the 10 year old kid who still remembers the past glories he had.
Rest In Peace Warrior, run those ropes in heaven. Thank you for the memories you gave me and countless millions.
"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe their final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized."
The Ultimate Warrior, 16th June 1959 - 8th April 2014
Ultimate Warrior Has Died
Surely, this wasn't the truth? I, like millions of others, stayed up into the early hours of Monday morning and watched James Hellwig (The Ultimate Warrior) earn his rightful spot as part of the WWE Hall of Fame. And last night, catching up with Monday Night Raw, I saw Mr Hellwig shake the ropes one more time, and for a split second it was just like the old days. How could, just a few mere hours later, he be pronounced dead?
As a kid, I started watching the World Wrestling Federation in November 1988, with my first taste of their product being the 1988 Survivor Series that a friend had recorded. This was where my love for sports-entertainment began. Be it for the characters, the choreography (back then I was fully aware that it was scripted, even as a naive and precocious 10 year old), the music, the splendour, I was hooked. Back in 1988, the Survivor Series card was built of a number of 5-on-5 tag team elimination matches. The superstars at this one particular event were in full flow - Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Ted Dibiase, Andre the Giant, Jake Roberts, Mr Perfect, Shawn Michaels, Marty Jannetty, The British Bulldogs, Demolition and more. However, one superstar stood out to me. He had the look, the colour, the speed, the strength, and the most recognisable theme music since Real American. That man was the Ultimate Warrior.
I was in awe of his energy and that he appeared to be almost impervious to pain. After watching him become the sole survivor of his team, I determined that I was going to be one of the Warriors, his loyal group of fans. After going back and watching every PPV up to that point, I found myself, like most kids at that point, having joint allegiances with Hulk Hogan and the Warrior. Neither had met in the ring one-on-one, but at the 1990 Royal Rumble, we had the first staredown. Then came the Ultimate Challenge at Wrestlemania 6.
Back in those days, I wasn't allowed to stay up well into the early hours, and we had no internet to give us spoiler results, so I had to wait until my one friend who had Sky Sports let me borrow his taped copy of the event. Watching the main event, I almost couldn't face the screen, as two of my "heroes" were trying to destroy each other. When Warrior got the pin, I was ecstatic. Hogan was still up there, but Warrior was so much cooler.
As I got older, my interest in the WWF (as they were at that time) waned for other interests (girls mainly). When I started watching again in 1999 (the first event I would watch happened to be Over the Edge where Owen Hart was killed doing an in ring stunt) the old guard had gone. There was no Hogan, and there was no Warrior.
I found it interesting that I, like most kids, were in awe of these two wrestlers, as watching their matches back now you can see just how bad they actually were. Aside from Wrestlemania 6 and 7, Warrior never had career defining matches, and became promptly buried by the WWE in 2005 following the release of the Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior. Watching that, you realised the guy made no sense, he was sloppy and he was unreliable. However, he still had the look, the it factor, and deserved his place at the top of the wrestling tableau at least once in his life.
I've sat through the shoot videos between Warrior and Hogan, I've heard Warrior say many things that some could consider hate crimes. Yet these two wrestlers still hold a place in my heart, a place reserved for childhood memories. And at Wrestlemania 30, Hogan came out first, but Warrior got the pop that mattered. He was loved still, all these years later - 24 years after he won the WWF title - by those that remembered him back then, those that had grown up but still remembered the music, the energy.
On Monday Night Raw, he came to the ring in a Warrior jacket, he shook the ropes, and he gave us a fantastic promo, that proved he loved the fans. Shockingly, some 24 hours later, his words have taken on a whole new meaning. We don't know how he passed, or whether he knew himself, but his words seemed to indicate that maybe, the gods from above had told him his time on earth was up, and he was to reign in the mountains above.
I've seen the loss of many a wrestler I appreciated over the years, but none as much as James Hellwig. He may not have been the greatest wrestler in the world, but he could make the hair on your neck stand up as soon as his music hit. He was one of the greatest remembered stars in professional wrestling, and he will be sorely missed by the fans, and by me - the 35 year old, and the 10 year old kid who still remembers the past glories he had.
Rest In Peace Warrior, run those ropes in heaven. Thank you for the memories you gave me and countless millions.
"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe their final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized."
The Ultimate Warrior, 16th June 1959 - 8th April 2014
My Movies of 2013
I haven't written in a while - especially after I stated that I would make it my aim to do so more this year (as well as last year and the year before it) - so I figured I would try and use what short spare time I had to get back into the writing swing of things. And what better way to start this than an exceptionally late review of my favourite films of 2013!
Out of every movie that was released in 2013, I managed to obtain a grand total of 111 of them. Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to sit down and watch all of them - I only managed to catch 72 of them, and still have 39 left to watch and either enjoy and keep or discard into a recycling bin.
Trying to put 72 films into a list of 10 was quite a task. There were so many good films released in 2013 that could fit into any critic or reviewers top ten, and whilst I have taken into account what the critics think, my choice is not based on their perception, but rather mine. I like films that make me laugh, that make me think, that make me want to be a part of it. If I like a film, I will re-watch it again and again (and I have re-watched 16 of the 72 films more than once already).
Whilst trying to pick my favourite films may have been tough, it was a lot easier to weed out the utter dross that was released. So it is without further ado that I confirm what I consider to be the worst films I saw in 2013:
Tied into first place as the worst films of 2013 are Movie 43 and Inappropriate Comedy. Why the hell film-makers saw fit to make these utter piles of horse crap is beyond me. Whilst they aren't at a level whereby I would rather watch episodes of Last of the Summer Wine and From May to December instead of them, they do come close. Inappropriate Comedy tries to be just like the Kentucky Fried Movie but fails in every comparison. Movie 43 has a number of A List stars in it, but has no specific plot (apparently there are versions for both the UK and US audiences that explain why we are watching crap "mini-movies", but at the end of the day, who cares? Not the viewing public, and definitely not the critics who savagely lambasted these two films - for once, I agree with the critics!
In addition to the two monstrous atrocities above, I would have to also give a shout out to Warm Bodies (a zombie romantic comedy that was devoid of laughs for me - just look at Shaun of the Dead in order how to do a zombie rom com), A Good Day to Die Hard (which took me three sittings to get through and I still hated it), Evil Dead (a remake that did not require one - we only wanted a new Bruce Campbell sequel - and that ruined everything good about the original), Pacific Rim (held so much promise, but bored the hell out of me), The Wolverine (I loved the X-Men Origins Wolverine film, but this was not up to that standard, and it felt a bit sub-par for me), Man of Steel (possibly a controversial choice, but whilst Henry Cavill was a great choice as the titular role, this was just way too over the top for me), and Snitch (I thought that this would be a good action movie with the Rock, but there was really none - all the best bits were in the trailer).
So that's 9 films off the list, leaving only 63 left to choose from. It seems right to give out some memorable honours to the following films, all of which I enjoyed, but just missed out on my top ten:
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.
Out of the Furnace.
Dallas Buyers Club.
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa.
Carrie (2013 Remake).
Don Jon.
Jobs.
Elysium.
The Heat.
Monsters University.
12 Years a Slave.
21 & Over.
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.
Captain Phillips.
Iron Man 3.
Stand Up Guys.
Pain & Gain.
So, here we come to my ten favourite films of the year 2013:
10 - Gravity
09 - The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
08 - I Give It a Year
07 - Thor: The Dark World
06 - Now You See Me
05 - About Time
04 - Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
03 - The Wolf of Wall Street
02 - This Is The End
01 - Despicable Me 2
If you were wondering what were the films I had actually seen in 2013 in order to decide my above top ten, I can confirm that these were the following:
2 Guns, 12 Years a Slave, 21 & Over, A Good Day to Die Hard, About Time, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, Captain Phillips, Carrie (2013 Remake), Dallas Buyers Club, Delivery Man, Despicable Me 2, Don Jon, Elysium, Escape Plan, Evil Dead (2013 Remake), Fast & the Furious 6, Gravity, Grown Ups 2, Grudge Match, Hell Baby, Her, Homefront, I Give It a Year, Identity Thief, Inappropriate Comedy, Insidious: Chapter 2, Iron Man 3, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, Jobs, Kick-Ass 2, Last Vegas, Mama, Man of Steel, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, Metallica: Through the Never, Monsters University, Movie 43, Now You See Me, Olympus Has Fallen, Out of the Furnace, Oz: The Great & Powerful, Pacific Rim, Pain & Gain, Prisoners, RIPD, Runner Runner, Scary Movie 5, Snitch, Stand Up Guys, Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Conjuring, The Family, The Heat, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Internship, The Last Stand, The Purge, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Wolverine, The World's End, This is the End, Thor: The Dark World, Turbo, Warm Bodies, We're the Millers, World War Z.
An I still have the following 2013 films left to see:
47 Ronin, After Earth, All Is Lost, American Hustle, Blue Jasmine, Bullet to the Head, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, Dead Man Down, Ender's Game, Escape From Planet Earth, Frozen, Gangster Squad, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Hours, Jack the Giant Slayer, Lone Survivor, Machete Kills, Oblivion, Parker, Percy Jackson & the Sea of Monsters, Philomena, RED 2, Riddick, Rush, Saving Mr Banks, Spring Breakers, Texas Chainsaw 3D, The Book Thief, The Call, The Croods, The Haunting in Conneticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The Iceman, The Last Exorcism Part 2, The Lone Ranger, The Smurfs 2, Trance, Welcome to the Punch, You're Next.
If, after watching any of the above films, I decide to change my list, I will edit this post to do so.
As I've said before, this is my list based on my tastes and opinions, so it may differ to yours, but I would love to hear your best films of 2013!
Until the next time, stay classy minions!!!!
Out of every movie that was released in 2013, I managed to obtain a grand total of 111 of them. Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to sit down and watch all of them - I only managed to catch 72 of them, and still have 39 left to watch and either enjoy and keep or discard into a recycling bin.
Trying to put 72 films into a list of 10 was quite a task. There were so many good films released in 2013 that could fit into any critic or reviewers top ten, and whilst I have taken into account what the critics think, my choice is not based on their perception, but rather mine. I like films that make me laugh, that make me think, that make me want to be a part of it. If I like a film, I will re-watch it again and again (and I have re-watched 16 of the 72 films more than once already).
Whilst trying to pick my favourite films may have been tough, it was a lot easier to weed out the utter dross that was released. So it is without further ado that I confirm what I consider to be the worst films I saw in 2013:
Tied into first place as the worst films of 2013 are Movie 43 and Inappropriate Comedy. Why the hell film-makers saw fit to make these utter piles of horse crap is beyond me. Whilst they aren't at a level whereby I would rather watch episodes of Last of the Summer Wine and From May to December instead of them, they do come close. Inappropriate Comedy tries to be just like the Kentucky Fried Movie but fails in every comparison. Movie 43 has a number of A List stars in it, but has no specific plot (apparently there are versions for both the UK and US audiences that explain why we are watching crap "mini-movies", but at the end of the day, who cares? Not the viewing public, and definitely not the critics who savagely lambasted these two films - for once, I agree with the critics!
In addition to the two monstrous atrocities above, I would have to also give a shout out to Warm Bodies (a zombie romantic comedy that was devoid of laughs for me - just look at Shaun of the Dead in order how to do a zombie rom com), A Good Day to Die Hard (which took me three sittings to get through and I still hated it), Evil Dead (a remake that did not require one - we only wanted a new Bruce Campbell sequel - and that ruined everything good about the original), Pacific Rim (held so much promise, but bored the hell out of me), The Wolverine (I loved the X-Men Origins Wolverine film, but this was not up to that standard, and it felt a bit sub-par for me), Man of Steel (possibly a controversial choice, but whilst Henry Cavill was a great choice as the titular role, this was just way too over the top for me), and Snitch (I thought that this would be a good action movie with the Rock, but there was really none - all the best bits were in the trailer).
So that's 9 films off the list, leaving only 63 left to choose from. It seems right to give out some memorable honours to the following films, all of which I enjoyed, but just missed out on my top ten:
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.
Out of the Furnace.
Dallas Buyers Club.
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa.
Carrie (2013 Remake).
Don Jon.
Jobs.
Elysium.
The Heat.
Monsters University.
12 Years a Slave.
21 & Over.
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom.
Captain Phillips.
Iron Man 3.
Stand Up Guys.
Pain & Gain.
So, here we come to my ten favourite films of the year 2013:
10 - Gravity
09 - The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
08 - I Give It a Year
07 - Thor: The Dark World
06 - Now You See Me
05 - About Time
04 - Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
03 - The Wolf of Wall Street
02 - This Is The End
01 - Despicable Me 2
If you were wondering what were the films I had actually seen in 2013 in order to decide my above top ten, I can confirm that these were the following:
2 Guns, 12 Years a Slave, 21 & Over, A Good Day to Die Hard, About Time, Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, Captain Phillips, Carrie (2013 Remake), Dallas Buyers Club, Delivery Man, Despicable Me 2, Don Jon, Elysium, Escape Plan, Evil Dead (2013 Remake), Fast & the Furious 6, Gravity, Grown Ups 2, Grudge Match, Hell Baby, Her, Homefront, I Give It a Year, Identity Thief, Inappropriate Comedy, Insidious: Chapter 2, Iron Man 3, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa, Jobs, Kick-Ass 2, Last Vegas, Mama, Man of Steel, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, Metallica: Through the Never, Monsters University, Movie 43, Now You See Me, Olympus Has Fallen, Out of the Furnace, Oz: The Great & Powerful, Pacific Rim, Pain & Gain, Prisoners, RIPD, Runner Runner, Scary Movie 5, Snitch, Stand Up Guys, Star Trek: Into Darkness, The Conjuring, The Family, The Heat, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Internship, The Last Stand, The Purge, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Wolverine, The World's End, This is the End, Thor: The Dark World, Turbo, Warm Bodies, We're the Millers, World War Z.
An I still have the following 2013 films left to see:
47 Ronin, After Earth, All Is Lost, American Hustle, Blue Jasmine, Bullet to the Head, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, Dead Man Down, Ender's Game, Escape From Planet Earth, Frozen, Gangster Squad, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Hours, Jack the Giant Slayer, Lone Survivor, Machete Kills, Oblivion, Parker, Percy Jackson & the Sea of Monsters, Philomena, RED 2, Riddick, Rush, Saving Mr Banks, Spring Breakers, Texas Chainsaw 3D, The Book Thief, The Call, The Croods, The Haunting in Conneticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The Iceman, The Last Exorcism Part 2, The Lone Ranger, The Smurfs 2, Trance, Welcome to the Punch, You're Next.
If, after watching any of the above films, I decide to change my list, I will edit this post to do so.
As I've said before, this is my list based on my tastes and opinions, so it may differ to yours, but I would love to hear your best films of 2013!
Until the next time, stay classy minions!!!!
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
The state of the WWE
I'm a 35 year old male who grew up in the era of saying your prayers, drinking your milk and eating your vitamins. This was the era known as the Golden Age of Wrestling. I was hooked from day one and, despite a lull in the mid 90's (when, to be honest, everyone was turning away from the product), I have continued to be a fan and watch the WWE (formerly the WWF) grow and provide quality entertainment.
Back in the 80's, wrestling was about your good guy versus your bad guy, with a number of larger than life and cartoony gimmicks to keep the kids hooked. As the years have gone on, the gimmicks have been dropped, but there's still the good guy versus bad guy mentality. As the years have gone on, storylines have got better, but there have been moments of pure mediocrity.
After watching the 2014 Royal Rumble, I was shocked to see that the WWE writers, bookers & Vince McMahon himself, fail to capitalise on the one person that could take their company into the next era - that man is Daniel Bryan. He's probably the most over wrestler in the business to date, as the crowd rally behind him at every single point. Did you see the reaction he got when he turned on Bray Wyatt at Raw a few weeks back? Everyone in that building was cheering for him, and was behind him. Then at the Royal Rumble this past Sunday, he had a match-of-the-year contender against Bray Wyatt. Everyone in the audience - as well as those watching at home - wanted to see Bryan run down as a contender in the Rumble. When the live crowd realised he wouldn't be, they made sure that their voices were heard. This got such a big reaction that major news channels were reporting on it (the BBC for one).
The WWE missed a trick here - the crowd reaction alone should have provided the perfect storyline - Bryan enters the Rumble and wins, makes his way to Wrestlemania & wins the WWE World Heavyweight championship in front of 75,000 screaming fans. However, this was not to be. Instead, a 40+ part-timer (who incidentally is best friends with the COO of the company) comes in, garners minimal fan support, and wins the Rumble in the most sloppy of manners, garnering a shot which should belong to the most deserving of talents.
Here lies the problem for me, Vince McMahon has this idea in his head that his champions should be 6ft + and built like a brick shithouse. Unfortunately Vince, it's not the 80's anymore, and steroided freaks of nature are not the norm. Us wrestling fans will get behind anyone that has the talent and desire to succeed, and can elevate the talent they're working with. Sure, Batista was a good asset years ago, and there's no doubt that there are fans who are glad to see him back, but to see him take a spot that should be given to someone who has busted their gut for the past year after 4 years inactivity in the wrestling world was a slap in the face. I know that his entry in the Rumble match prompted a victory for him before it had even begun, but the WWE has been known to swerve us at times (remember Jericho as the winner to face Punk, only for hi to lose to Sheamus?).
Vince McMahon seems to feel that, if a wrestler doesn't draw in attendance as champion, the belt will always be placed on a guaranteed draw - unfortunately, this means John Cena or Randy Orton. I remember back in the early 90's when Ric Flair passed the torch to Bret Hart, who worked so hard in every match only for Vince to feel that a bigger name needed the belt - that was Wrestlemania 9, and Hulk Hogan winning after "retiring" & refusing to drop the belt back to Bret Hart. There needs to be a period of change that they stick to. Granted, the period of 95-96 was the worst ever for the WWE. They tended to shy away from the technical wrestlers (Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, etc) and stuck the title on Diesel and have Mabel as a "contender". Following the introduction of the Attitude era, times did change and new superstars were formed, and lines were crossed with very mediocre storylines but this became the most famous era in the WWE.
I remember the bad gimmicks & god-awful storylines (Mae Young giving birth to a hand for feck's sake!) & the numerous swerves and turns (thanks Vince Russo!), but what I also remember is the ever increasing title changes that occurred. What happened to a champion winning a title, holding onto it for months & dropping it to a deserved contender? Back in the late 90's the WWE title changed hands almost monthly. I want to be shocked when a title change occurs, I want that feeling of how it was in the early days - back in the 80's a title would only change hands maybe once a year on a major PPV. In my view, a champion should help build up the title to either drop it to an on-fire heel/face, or to a more deserving talent.
I've gone through the WWE roster and the options available to the WWE for growth are high, and the future looks good. However, Vince McMahon needs to understand that change will be better in the long run. Take Daniel Bryan - giving him a shot at the Rumble and building on the momentum he has would be the best for business. Maybe they want to do that story next year but who's to say that momentum would still continue until then? Roman Reigns is being built up to be the next face of the company - he's big and agile and has the look that Vince loves, but does he have the charisma to carry it off? In my opinion, he does.
I've gone through the WWE roster to determine what I believe - and this is purely my opinion, which may differ from yours - should be the best for business going forward:
1) Daniel Bryan should be inserted into the Wrestlemania main event. After the Royal Rumble, Batista ended up flipping off the fans & taking the piss out of them, and Daniel Bryan. It is understood that Vince is not at all happy with this, as well as the egotistical rantings that Batista has been spouting since agreeing to come back. Maybe his punishment will lead to a match with Bryan for the Wrestlemania main event, with Bryan winning. This could be due to interference from Del Rio, which would lead to a match between the two. This way, Batista can still get a pay-off but the momentum continues for Bryan. I know that Bryan is now in the Chamber match for the next PPV, & that its likely that Sheamus will turn heel setting up a Bryan vs Sheamus match, but there's still time to change this. Bryan winning at Mania has to be the culmination of a story that began last summer. I for one would be happy to see Bryan vs Orton again!
2) Take the tag team titles off of the New Age Outlaws. Just because they're HHH's boys they get a shot when teams like the Uso's & the Real Americans are busting their guts and putting on good matches. Ideally, a good Wrestlemania opener would be a fatal four way tag team ladder elimination match with The Brotherhood (Rhodes & Goldust) vs The Uso's vs The Real Americans vs either the Shield (Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins) or Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara. Given 15-20 minutes of high action & energetic pace, this would elevate all those involved. I believe that either Cesaro or Swagger will turn face this year (my money is on the former), so they deserve a tag title run before that.
3) Make the WWE title mean something - stop monthly changes or swerves entirely. I realise that CM Punks 434 day reign of the modern era will never likely be beaten in my lifetime, but it could be if the build is right. My view is either put the title on a heel who retains and builds credibility only to be beaten at Mania or one of the other big PPV's (to give it a big feeling) by a white-hot face (like Bryan at the moment). This can be highlighted by building up the chase for the title. Alternatively, put the title on a face who loses it to a heel with tremendous heat from the crowd. Either way, the champion needs to be able to work and draw crowds in. That can be done if the story is built well.
4) Unify the Intercontinental & US titles - its time to make the IC title mean something. Back in the day this was a stepping stone to the next level, a WWE title run. Nowadays, neither title is defended often, and the prestige for the IC title has long gone. Put this on an emerging face or heel, or a veteran, & let them hold it for a while but defend it on TV & PPV.
5) Elevate new talent!!! Just looking at the roster you have an abundance of talent that can be elevated to higher midcard or even WWE title level. These include Daniel Bryan (the most over wrestler in the company), Bray Wyatt, Antonio Cesaro, Big E Langston, Damien Sandow, Justin Gabriel, Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, Tyson Kidd & Dolph Ziggler from the main roster, whilst Bo Dallas & Sami Zayn look like amazing developmental prospects. Speaking as a fan, I don't want the same matches each week/month. Give us something new. Also, if something doesn't work out as Vince wants it, don't go back to the tried & tested way of going with John Cena, Randy Orton et al. Out of the current roster, I respect Orton & Cena for what they've done, but neither of them needs the title as part of their character.
Based on the Rumble - and the negative press associated with it since it finished - it has become clear that maybe the WWE has no idea what they're doing. Unless they rectify this, they could end up like WCW - the same bookers picking the same matches, and preventing younger talent from exceeding. As a fan, that's not what I want. As a business, surely that's not what they want.
Back in the 80's, wrestling was about your good guy versus your bad guy, with a number of larger than life and cartoony gimmicks to keep the kids hooked. As the years have gone on, the gimmicks have been dropped, but there's still the good guy versus bad guy mentality. As the years have gone on, storylines have got better, but there have been moments of pure mediocrity.
After watching the 2014 Royal Rumble, I was shocked to see that the WWE writers, bookers & Vince McMahon himself, fail to capitalise on the one person that could take their company into the next era - that man is Daniel Bryan. He's probably the most over wrestler in the business to date, as the crowd rally behind him at every single point. Did you see the reaction he got when he turned on Bray Wyatt at Raw a few weeks back? Everyone in that building was cheering for him, and was behind him. Then at the Royal Rumble this past Sunday, he had a match-of-the-year contender against Bray Wyatt. Everyone in the audience - as well as those watching at home - wanted to see Bryan run down as a contender in the Rumble. When the live crowd realised he wouldn't be, they made sure that their voices were heard. This got such a big reaction that major news channels were reporting on it (the BBC for one).
The WWE missed a trick here - the crowd reaction alone should have provided the perfect storyline - Bryan enters the Rumble and wins, makes his way to Wrestlemania & wins the WWE World Heavyweight championship in front of 75,000 screaming fans. However, this was not to be. Instead, a 40+ part-timer (who incidentally is best friends with the COO of the company) comes in, garners minimal fan support, and wins the Rumble in the most sloppy of manners, garnering a shot which should belong to the most deserving of talents.
Here lies the problem for me, Vince McMahon has this idea in his head that his champions should be 6ft + and built like a brick shithouse. Unfortunately Vince, it's not the 80's anymore, and steroided freaks of nature are not the norm. Us wrestling fans will get behind anyone that has the talent and desire to succeed, and can elevate the talent they're working with. Sure, Batista was a good asset years ago, and there's no doubt that there are fans who are glad to see him back, but to see him take a spot that should be given to someone who has busted their gut for the past year after 4 years inactivity in the wrestling world was a slap in the face. I know that his entry in the Rumble match prompted a victory for him before it had even begun, but the WWE has been known to swerve us at times (remember Jericho as the winner to face Punk, only for hi to lose to Sheamus?).
Vince McMahon seems to feel that, if a wrestler doesn't draw in attendance as champion, the belt will always be placed on a guaranteed draw - unfortunately, this means John Cena or Randy Orton. I remember back in the early 90's when Ric Flair passed the torch to Bret Hart, who worked so hard in every match only for Vince to feel that a bigger name needed the belt - that was Wrestlemania 9, and Hulk Hogan winning after "retiring" & refusing to drop the belt back to Bret Hart. There needs to be a period of change that they stick to. Granted, the period of 95-96 was the worst ever for the WWE. They tended to shy away from the technical wrestlers (Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, etc) and stuck the title on Diesel and have Mabel as a "contender". Following the introduction of the Attitude era, times did change and new superstars were formed, and lines were crossed with very mediocre storylines but this became the most famous era in the WWE.
I remember the bad gimmicks & god-awful storylines (Mae Young giving birth to a hand for feck's sake!) & the numerous swerves and turns (thanks Vince Russo!), but what I also remember is the ever increasing title changes that occurred. What happened to a champion winning a title, holding onto it for months & dropping it to a deserved contender? Back in the late 90's the WWE title changed hands almost monthly. I want to be shocked when a title change occurs, I want that feeling of how it was in the early days - back in the 80's a title would only change hands maybe once a year on a major PPV. In my view, a champion should help build up the title to either drop it to an on-fire heel/face, or to a more deserving talent.
I've gone through the WWE roster and the options available to the WWE for growth are high, and the future looks good. However, Vince McMahon needs to understand that change will be better in the long run. Take Daniel Bryan - giving him a shot at the Rumble and building on the momentum he has would be the best for business. Maybe they want to do that story next year but who's to say that momentum would still continue until then? Roman Reigns is being built up to be the next face of the company - he's big and agile and has the look that Vince loves, but does he have the charisma to carry it off? In my opinion, he does.
I've gone through the WWE roster to determine what I believe - and this is purely my opinion, which may differ from yours - should be the best for business going forward:
1) Daniel Bryan should be inserted into the Wrestlemania main event. After the Royal Rumble, Batista ended up flipping off the fans & taking the piss out of them, and Daniel Bryan. It is understood that Vince is not at all happy with this, as well as the egotistical rantings that Batista has been spouting since agreeing to come back. Maybe his punishment will lead to a match with Bryan for the Wrestlemania main event, with Bryan winning. This could be due to interference from Del Rio, which would lead to a match between the two. This way, Batista can still get a pay-off but the momentum continues for Bryan. I know that Bryan is now in the Chamber match for the next PPV, & that its likely that Sheamus will turn heel setting up a Bryan vs Sheamus match, but there's still time to change this. Bryan winning at Mania has to be the culmination of a story that began last summer. I for one would be happy to see Bryan vs Orton again!
2) Take the tag team titles off of the New Age Outlaws. Just because they're HHH's boys they get a shot when teams like the Uso's & the Real Americans are busting their guts and putting on good matches. Ideally, a good Wrestlemania opener would be a fatal four way tag team ladder elimination match with The Brotherhood (Rhodes & Goldust) vs The Uso's vs The Real Americans vs either the Shield (Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins) or Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara. Given 15-20 minutes of high action & energetic pace, this would elevate all those involved. I believe that either Cesaro or Swagger will turn face this year (my money is on the former), so they deserve a tag title run before that.
3) Make the WWE title mean something - stop monthly changes or swerves entirely. I realise that CM Punks 434 day reign of the modern era will never likely be beaten in my lifetime, but it could be if the build is right. My view is either put the title on a heel who retains and builds credibility only to be beaten at Mania or one of the other big PPV's (to give it a big feeling) by a white-hot face (like Bryan at the moment). This can be highlighted by building up the chase for the title. Alternatively, put the title on a face who loses it to a heel with tremendous heat from the crowd. Either way, the champion needs to be able to work and draw crowds in. That can be done if the story is built well.
4) Unify the Intercontinental & US titles - its time to make the IC title mean something. Back in the day this was a stepping stone to the next level, a WWE title run. Nowadays, neither title is defended often, and the prestige for the IC title has long gone. Put this on an emerging face or heel, or a veteran, & let them hold it for a while but defend it on TV & PPV.
5) Elevate new talent!!! Just looking at the roster you have an abundance of talent that can be elevated to higher midcard or even WWE title level. These include Daniel Bryan (the most over wrestler in the company), Bray Wyatt, Antonio Cesaro, Big E Langston, Damien Sandow, Justin Gabriel, Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, Tyson Kidd & Dolph Ziggler from the main roster, whilst Bo Dallas & Sami Zayn look like amazing developmental prospects. Speaking as a fan, I don't want the same matches each week/month. Give us something new. Also, if something doesn't work out as Vince wants it, don't go back to the tried & tested way of going with John Cena, Randy Orton et al. Out of the current roster, I respect Orton & Cena for what they've done, but neither of them needs the title as part of their character.
Based on the Rumble - and the negative press associated with it since it finished - it has become clear that maybe the WWE has no idea what they're doing. Unless they rectify this, they could end up like WCW - the same bookers picking the same matches, and preventing younger talent from exceeding. As a fan, that's not what I want. As a business, surely that's not what they want.
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Spoiler Alert!!! Reviewing Stand Up Guys
Welcome to another "episode" of my new blog, Spoiler Alert. For those that didn't get the chance to read the first Spoiler Alert review for the film Movie 43, please feel free to check it out on this blog. Since posting it, I have decided to have a little revamp in how I consider my scores for each film I review.
For every Spoiler Alert I post, I will review this based on the following criteria:
The synopsis for this film is as follows: A pair of aging stick-up men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah, before one of the guys takes his last assignment - to kill his comrade.
To break this film down, Valentine (Al Pacino) leaves prison after 28 years and is greeted by his friend and former crew member, Doc (Christopher Walken). Now out of the joint, all Val wants to do is party, so Doc takes him to a brothel but, unfortunately, old age has affected Val's under-carriage. This results in both Doc and Val breaking into a drug-store (or chemist as we call them over here in the UK) to obtain some viagra, which Val imbibes more than the prescription advises.
Following this, Val wants to rock out on the dancefloor of a local club, where he insults some moody teenage girls (they've obviously never starred in a Girls Gone Wild film), before apologising and asking one to dance. Here starts the first sentimental part of the film, as he makes no sexual advances, he merely dances as he would were he dancing with his daughter. After this Val does a few more drugs and passes out in Doc's car.
At this point the plot really kicks in, with Doc turning the music up in his car, taking his gun out, and deciding whether to kill Val. Thankfully, he decides against it and takes Val to hospital, where the nurse who admits him is the daughter of their third partner in crime, Hirsch (Alan Arkin), their former getaway driver, who they learn is now in a care home suffering from emphysema. Due to a major priaprism, the doctor injects Val's erection to reduce the blood flow.
Doc then takes Val for food at a local diner. There, the waitress Alex (Addison Timlin) dotes over Doc, and Val deduces that Doc has been ordered to kill him. Val says that if the tables were turned, he would not hesitate in killing Doc, as he knows failure to complete this task will result in Doc being killed. The back story here is that their former boss Claphands (Mark Margolis) sent his son on a job with Val, but was killed during it. As such, Claphands has put a bounty on Val ever since. In the end, Val accepts his fate and spends the next 9 hours trying to enjoy himself.
This leads to Val stealing a Dodge Challenger and kidnapping Hirsch from the care home for one more wild night out. Following a cross-town car chase with the local law enforcement, they hear banging coming from the trunk and find a naked woman inside. She had been kidnapped and abused by a number of guys, and Doc and Val decide to gain revenge. Busting into their place, they end up shooting a couple of the guys and tying them up, giving the woman a baseball bat and telling her she has at least 8 minutes before the police turn up. Lets just say she breaks a few balls at this point...
Having left Hirsch in the car as a lookout, Val and Doc come out to find he has passed away in the drivers seat. They visit his daughter and all of them end up driving him to a local cemetery where the give him a burial and bid him farewell. Doc then calls Claphands to beg for mercy for Val, but he refuses and threatens to hurt Alex, the waitress from the diner. At this point, it turns out that Alex is the long-lost granddaughter of Doc, who he has known about for years but never informed her, as her mother wanted her hidden from him. Doc then writes a letter to Alex and supplies his house keys to her.
As Val readys for the end, he spies a church and goes in to make his final confession. He then decides he wants to be executed in a new suit, at which point both him and Doc break into a suit store and steal some classy garments. Alex has made her way to Doc's apartment and he calls her there. He tells her he has paid the place for a year, and has left a shoebox full of money for her. Around his apartment are pictures of the sunrise, which he states he painted for her. He tells her he loves her, and she tearfully responds "I love you too grandpa". He says his goodbyes and leaves with Val.
Their final destination happens to be Claphands warehouse, and upon their arrival Doc and Val kill all of his guards and end up in a shootout with Claphands himself, who seems to run out of ammunition. However, rather than leave a definitive answer as to what happens, the camera pans up above the warehouse to the sunrise, which blends into one painted by Doc.
STORY
I have to give this film some props, as I thought that the story was only going to be about 3 old crew members getting back together and causing mayhem in this comedy/crime film. In the end, what I actually got was a very subtle blend of genres. This isn't really a comedy, nor is it really a crime film. The comedic value really only relates to two particular scenes - 1) Al Pacino having his erection drained, and 2) Alan Arkin driving like a crazy bastard. When you look at the crime aspect, aside from a mob boss who wants revenge and a small shootout at the end, there's really not much else. There are elements of revenge throughout (from the mob boss & his cronies, to the naked woman and her abusers), but it's not a revenge film.
Every part of the main cast has their back stories, and their current role, and this is a beautifully well written film, that caused me to genuinely tear up a few times. If you take the synopsis - best friend has to kill his recently released best friend - that alone is enough to keep me hooked. When you add in the back stories of those involved, it just adds to the story.
With this aside, I do feel that the only "far-fetched" scene in this film, is the burial scene. Would you really want to bury your father without notifying the proper authorities? Its not like he would have been arrested for anything, so why didn't his daughter reject the idea of Val & Doc & do things the way her family would want? It is a minor gripe, but it is enough to bump the score down slightly.
With that in mind, I give the story a 1, and this is based on the total plot, as well as the back stories of the main characters being so well written.
ACTING
You can't really go wrong with the two main leads here - both Al Pacino and Christopher Walken are veterans to this game, and both work wonders with the roles given. I have to admit that the back stories were well thought through, and Walkens interaction with his on-screen granddaughter were beautiful.
If you watch this film - and I hope that you do, despite the spoilers above - take note of everything mentioned, as it usually relates to a bit of story further down the line. An example of this is within the first 5 minutes when Pacino's character asks Walken's character if he located his daughter, to which he advised he did, but he never found his granddaughter, as she was hidden from him - then swerving us when you find out right at the end that the waitress is his granddaughter and he spends every day with her. It makes his goodbye to her all the more emotional. With that in mind, Pacino's character keeps the majority of his back story hidden, but the emotion he shows when he explains how Claphands son was killed, and that he was always expecting the day of his death to come, was sublime. Right at the beginning Pacino & Walken hug, but both find it awkward and move on. 90 minutes later, after all they have experienced and discussed, they hug again, this time both of them admitting the hug was right.
Alan Arkin had a reduced role in this, despite being billed on the poster as a main lead. However, his scenes were effective, and his antics at the brothel and in the car were quite amusing. However, I don't feel that he was in this film enough, but then again he wasn't really needed unless these three guys were due to pull off a big job - which I have to admit is something I thought would happen before watching this film.
Rounding out the cast was character actor Mark Mrgolis as Claphands, himself a veteran on screen since 1976. His gruff demeanour works well with the role given, and he had ample screen time to make his presence known (though this was always going to be just about Pacino and Walken, so any other screen time had to be rightly shared between the cast). Julianna Marguiles (formerly of ER) was brought in as Hirsch's daughter and, compared to other cast members that shared the same screen time, she didn't have much time to make this a worthwhile role (part of me thought she may even have helped the two leads out following the death of her on screen father, but that didn't happen). Then we have Addison Timlin as Alex who, aside from a few tv episodes and a couple of film roles, could consider this as a possible break-out role, as I found her to be very effective as Alex.
The cast for this film can really be counted on two hands, and there was just enough time for those involved to put across their story - any more cast members could have caused the film & story to be saturated and effectively ruin this.
With this in mind, I give the acting a 2 based on the work they did with the back stories and screen time given, especially to the 2 leads.
DIRECTION
This was only the third film that Fisher Stevens has directed, despite being in the business since 1981. For those that may not know who he is, he has starred in a hell of a lot of films, with the most notable being the lead villain in the 1995 film Hackers.
His work here was very well done, there were no flash cuts or quick changes that ruined the story, and the ending of the film whereby the shootout merges perfectly with one of Doc's sunrise paintings, leaving the actual ending ambiguous, was the perfect way to end this. The cinematography, lighting and all-round setup was faultless, and the entire film was beautifully well shot. Some purists may find certain issues; however I have never really got behind a camera personally, as I prefer the writing aspect, though as a writer I did envision moments in my head to determine how what I write can be imagined onscreen.
In view of this, I'm happy to give the direction a 2.
MUSIC/SCORE
This is the one section that is really going to differ between everyone, as some musical choices may not be to everyone's taste. However, I did note that one of the songs from this film - Not Running Anymore by Jon Bon Jovi - was nominated for an oscar.
I'm not entirely sure where this film is actually set, though it looks like it could possibly be New Orleans. If that's the case, then the songs in the film have been exceptionally well chosen, as a lot of them have that southern feel, bit of jazz, bit of funk, bit of soul. Plus this film had Hoochie Coochie Man by Muddy Waters, which is an amazing tune.
Whilst the musical choices may suit the possible Louisiana setting, the fact that these tunes may not be well known or appreciated by a younger viewing audience could hamper this, as this soundtrack - and the film itself - has definitely been produced for a more "mature" audience (I would say 30 upwards, and being 35 I can get away with saying that!).
With this in mind, I would obtain this soundtrack and, as this is based on my review, I am going to give the music/score a 1, as whilst being good, I could not see myself listening to this album again and again (there aren't many soundtracks that can actually make me do so), and - with the exception of a couple of tracks that worked well with the onscreen action/story - the rest seem to be just a more exclusive set of filler.
LONGEVITY
The big question is, would I watch this again? The answer is, yes. Though I don't think I would make this a genuine weekly viewing, as this would be more like the film you watch on a date night, or on a whim down the line. It wouldn't be a film I would rush out and buy on Blu Ray the day it comes out, but it's definitely a film I would obtain down the line.
Would you buy it? I suppose thats the next question. That really depends on what you want out of your viewing experience, especially with this being a mashup of different genres in one. If I go through my friends, I can honestly say that there won't be many that would. I think they would lose attention in this early on, at which point they wouldn't care about what they're watching, which would be a damn shame. You definitely have to pay attention and enjoy it for what it is.
For longevity, I will happily give this film a 1.
To summarise, I found this a fantastically written, acted, and directed film, but I know that the subject matter may not be for everyone, and my own admission that I would not but this straight away would affect the repeat watching. However, as an overall score, Stand Up Guys receives a Spoiler Alert overall score of 7 out of 10. This is definitely not a stinker and is well worth a watch if you have the time!
Thank you for taking the time to read this Spoiler Alert review, and I hope to have another one up either later today, or tomorrow. Please feel free to comment & let me know what you think of my review.
For every Spoiler Alert I post, I will review this based on the following criteria:
- STORY - Is there a valid and well thought-out story to the film?
- ACTING - Was the cast choice correct? Did any particular actor stand out?
- DIRECTION - Did the film look good? Was the cinematography right?
- MUSIC/SCORE - Did the music or score supplement the film?
- LONGEVITY - Would this be a film you would watch again?
The synopsis for this film is as follows: A pair of aging stick-up men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah, before one of the guys takes his last assignment - to kill his comrade.
To break this film down, Valentine (Al Pacino) leaves prison after 28 years and is greeted by his friend and former crew member, Doc (Christopher Walken). Now out of the joint, all Val wants to do is party, so Doc takes him to a brothel but, unfortunately, old age has affected Val's under-carriage. This results in both Doc and Val breaking into a drug-store (or chemist as we call them over here in the UK) to obtain some viagra, which Val imbibes more than the prescription advises.
Following this, Val wants to rock out on the dancefloor of a local club, where he insults some moody teenage girls (they've obviously never starred in a Girls Gone Wild film), before apologising and asking one to dance. Here starts the first sentimental part of the film, as he makes no sexual advances, he merely dances as he would were he dancing with his daughter. After this Val does a few more drugs and passes out in Doc's car.
At this point the plot really kicks in, with Doc turning the music up in his car, taking his gun out, and deciding whether to kill Val. Thankfully, he decides against it and takes Val to hospital, where the nurse who admits him is the daughter of their third partner in crime, Hirsch (Alan Arkin), their former getaway driver, who they learn is now in a care home suffering from emphysema. Due to a major priaprism, the doctor injects Val's erection to reduce the blood flow.
Doc then takes Val for food at a local diner. There, the waitress Alex (Addison Timlin) dotes over Doc, and Val deduces that Doc has been ordered to kill him. Val says that if the tables were turned, he would not hesitate in killing Doc, as he knows failure to complete this task will result in Doc being killed. The back story here is that their former boss Claphands (Mark Margolis) sent his son on a job with Val, but was killed during it. As such, Claphands has put a bounty on Val ever since. In the end, Val accepts his fate and spends the next 9 hours trying to enjoy himself.
This leads to Val stealing a Dodge Challenger and kidnapping Hirsch from the care home for one more wild night out. Following a cross-town car chase with the local law enforcement, they hear banging coming from the trunk and find a naked woman inside. She had been kidnapped and abused by a number of guys, and Doc and Val decide to gain revenge. Busting into their place, they end up shooting a couple of the guys and tying them up, giving the woman a baseball bat and telling her she has at least 8 minutes before the police turn up. Lets just say she breaks a few balls at this point...
Having left Hirsch in the car as a lookout, Val and Doc come out to find he has passed away in the drivers seat. They visit his daughter and all of them end up driving him to a local cemetery where the give him a burial and bid him farewell. Doc then calls Claphands to beg for mercy for Val, but he refuses and threatens to hurt Alex, the waitress from the diner. At this point, it turns out that Alex is the long-lost granddaughter of Doc, who he has known about for years but never informed her, as her mother wanted her hidden from him. Doc then writes a letter to Alex and supplies his house keys to her.
As Val readys for the end, he spies a church and goes in to make his final confession. He then decides he wants to be executed in a new suit, at which point both him and Doc break into a suit store and steal some classy garments. Alex has made her way to Doc's apartment and he calls her there. He tells her he has paid the place for a year, and has left a shoebox full of money for her. Around his apartment are pictures of the sunrise, which he states he painted for her. He tells her he loves her, and she tearfully responds "I love you too grandpa". He says his goodbyes and leaves with Val.
Their final destination happens to be Claphands warehouse, and upon their arrival Doc and Val kill all of his guards and end up in a shootout with Claphands himself, who seems to run out of ammunition. However, rather than leave a definitive answer as to what happens, the camera pans up above the warehouse to the sunrise, which blends into one painted by Doc.
STORY
I have to give this film some props, as I thought that the story was only going to be about 3 old crew members getting back together and causing mayhem in this comedy/crime film. In the end, what I actually got was a very subtle blend of genres. This isn't really a comedy, nor is it really a crime film. The comedic value really only relates to two particular scenes - 1) Al Pacino having his erection drained, and 2) Alan Arkin driving like a crazy bastard. When you look at the crime aspect, aside from a mob boss who wants revenge and a small shootout at the end, there's really not much else. There are elements of revenge throughout (from the mob boss & his cronies, to the naked woman and her abusers), but it's not a revenge film.
Every part of the main cast has their back stories, and their current role, and this is a beautifully well written film, that caused me to genuinely tear up a few times. If you take the synopsis - best friend has to kill his recently released best friend - that alone is enough to keep me hooked. When you add in the back stories of those involved, it just adds to the story.
With this aside, I do feel that the only "far-fetched" scene in this film, is the burial scene. Would you really want to bury your father without notifying the proper authorities? Its not like he would have been arrested for anything, so why didn't his daughter reject the idea of Val & Doc & do things the way her family would want? It is a minor gripe, but it is enough to bump the score down slightly.
With that in mind, I give the story a 1, and this is based on the total plot, as well as the back stories of the main characters being so well written.
ACTING
You can't really go wrong with the two main leads here - both Al Pacino and Christopher Walken are veterans to this game, and both work wonders with the roles given. I have to admit that the back stories were well thought through, and Walkens interaction with his on-screen granddaughter were beautiful.
If you watch this film - and I hope that you do, despite the spoilers above - take note of everything mentioned, as it usually relates to a bit of story further down the line. An example of this is within the first 5 minutes when Pacino's character asks Walken's character if he located his daughter, to which he advised he did, but he never found his granddaughter, as she was hidden from him - then swerving us when you find out right at the end that the waitress is his granddaughter and he spends every day with her. It makes his goodbye to her all the more emotional. With that in mind, Pacino's character keeps the majority of his back story hidden, but the emotion he shows when he explains how Claphands son was killed, and that he was always expecting the day of his death to come, was sublime. Right at the beginning Pacino & Walken hug, but both find it awkward and move on. 90 minutes later, after all they have experienced and discussed, they hug again, this time both of them admitting the hug was right.
Alan Arkin had a reduced role in this, despite being billed on the poster as a main lead. However, his scenes were effective, and his antics at the brothel and in the car were quite amusing. However, I don't feel that he was in this film enough, but then again he wasn't really needed unless these three guys were due to pull off a big job - which I have to admit is something I thought would happen before watching this film.
Rounding out the cast was character actor Mark Mrgolis as Claphands, himself a veteran on screen since 1976. His gruff demeanour works well with the role given, and he had ample screen time to make his presence known (though this was always going to be just about Pacino and Walken, so any other screen time had to be rightly shared between the cast). Julianna Marguiles (formerly of ER) was brought in as Hirsch's daughter and, compared to other cast members that shared the same screen time, she didn't have much time to make this a worthwhile role (part of me thought she may even have helped the two leads out following the death of her on screen father, but that didn't happen). Then we have Addison Timlin as Alex who, aside from a few tv episodes and a couple of film roles, could consider this as a possible break-out role, as I found her to be very effective as Alex.
The cast for this film can really be counted on two hands, and there was just enough time for those involved to put across their story - any more cast members could have caused the film & story to be saturated and effectively ruin this.
With this in mind, I give the acting a 2 based on the work they did with the back stories and screen time given, especially to the 2 leads.
DIRECTION
This was only the third film that Fisher Stevens has directed, despite being in the business since 1981. For those that may not know who he is, he has starred in a hell of a lot of films, with the most notable being the lead villain in the 1995 film Hackers.
His work here was very well done, there were no flash cuts or quick changes that ruined the story, and the ending of the film whereby the shootout merges perfectly with one of Doc's sunrise paintings, leaving the actual ending ambiguous, was the perfect way to end this. The cinematography, lighting and all-round setup was faultless, and the entire film was beautifully well shot. Some purists may find certain issues; however I have never really got behind a camera personally, as I prefer the writing aspect, though as a writer I did envision moments in my head to determine how what I write can be imagined onscreen.
In view of this, I'm happy to give the direction a 2.
MUSIC/SCORE
This is the one section that is really going to differ between everyone, as some musical choices may not be to everyone's taste. However, I did note that one of the songs from this film - Not Running Anymore by Jon Bon Jovi - was nominated for an oscar.
I'm not entirely sure where this film is actually set, though it looks like it could possibly be New Orleans. If that's the case, then the songs in the film have been exceptionally well chosen, as a lot of them have that southern feel, bit of jazz, bit of funk, bit of soul. Plus this film had Hoochie Coochie Man by Muddy Waters, which is an amazing tune.
Whilst the musical choices may suit the possible Louisiana setting, the fact that these tunes may not be well known or appreciated by a younger viewing audience could hamper this, as this soundtrack - and the film itself - has definitely been produced for a more "mature" audience (I would say 30 upwards, and being 35 I can get away with saying that!).
With this in mind, I would obtain this soundtrack and, as this is based on my review, I am going to give the music/score a 1, as whilst being good, I could not see myself listening to this album again and again (there aren't many soundtracks that can actually make me do so), and - with the exception of a couple of tracks that worked well with the onscreen action/story - the rest seem to be just a more exclusive set of filler.
LONGEVITY
The big question is, would I watch this again? The answer is, yes. Though I don't think I would make this a genuine weekly viewing, as this would be more like the film you watch on a date night, or on a whim down the line. It wouldn't be a film I would rush out and buy on Blu Ray the day it comes out, but it's definitely a film I would obtain down the line.
Would you buy it? I suppose thats the next question. That really depends on what you want out of your viewing experience, especially with this being a mashup of different genres in one. If I go through my friends, I can honestly say that there won't be many that would. I think they would lose attention in this early on, at which point they wouldn't care about what they're watching, which would be a damn shame. You definitely have to pay attention and enjoy it for what it is.
For longevity, I will happily give this film a 1.
To summarise, I found this a fantastically written, acted, and directed film, but I know that the subject matter may not be for everyone, and my own admission that I would not but this straight away would affect the repeat watching. However, as an overall score, Stand Up Guys receives a Spoiler Alert overall score of 7 out of 10. This is definitely not a stinker and is well worth a watch if you have the time!
Thank you for taking the time to read this Spoiler Alert review, and I hope to have another one up either later today, or tomorrow. Please feel free to comment & let me know what you think of my review.
Monday, 24 June 2013
Spoiler Alert!!! Reviewing Movie 43
Welcome to the first of, what I hope, will become a regular part of my blog - Spoiler Alert, the latest (well, at least some of the movies people may not have seen yet) films reviewed with my own particular taste of sarcasm, wit, anger and - on the odd occasion - praise.
I'm going to kick off Spoiler Alert with a review of what I consider to be one of the most god-damn awful films of 2013. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my take on MOVIE 43.
I'm going to kick off Spoiler Alert with a review of what I consider to be one of the most god-damn awful films of 2013. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my take on MOVIE 43.
There are in effect two versions of this filma out - one for the UK and European countries, and another for the rest of the world. The film itself is broken down into a number of "sketches" starring some of Hollywoods "finest". These sketches are located as part of the main story, which is different depending on what county you live in. The main story arc's are as follows:
For UK/European Countries - In order to "prank" his younger but much smarter brother, some douchebag claims that there is a movie online that has been banned by all major governments. He gets his little brother to hack into every major government facility in order to locate this, whilst he fills up his younger brothers laptop with porn pop-ups. However, along the way they get told to stop searching for Movie 43 as it will end up destroying civilisation (which ultimately ends up happening in some Terminator self-aware situation). The films they end up watching form the main basis of Movie 43.
For the rest of the world - A screenwriter attempts to pitch his movie idea to a movie executive, but when he gets kniocked back he pulls a gun & threatens the executive to listen to his ideas (which form the main basis of Movie 43) & purchase the film idea.
I can confirm that I watched the UK/European version, and the little story arc in that was god-damn fucking stupid! If you had a smart mouthed little brother, why would you try & get one on him but putting porn on his laptop & not just beat the snot out of him? Putting porn on my computer? If that was me I would welcome it. Also, the little kid can hack into every government facility in the world but his douchebag older brother thinks he won't be able to get a virus off his laptop? This was the first moment when I realised that this movie may be a huge pile of stinking flip, but I persevered.
At this point, the film breaks down into the movies that the little brother finds online:
1. The Catch
This involves Kate Winslet being set up on a blind date with Hugh Jackman, who portrays the most eligible bachelor in the city where this is set. Wearing a scarf, he takes it off to reveal two dangly hairy bollocks on his throat. For some reason, everyone that meets him never mentions the dangly balls.
Cue saucy balls, ball slapping & Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet. Trust me, its not as funny as it sounds. This particular segment was directed by one of the Farrelly brothers (the former gross-out kings of comedy) but is painfully unfunny. Though Kate Winslet being tea-bagged (in a non-sexual way) was not what I was expecting from this when I put this on.
Cue saucy balls, ball slapping & Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet. Trust me, its not as funny as it sounds. This particular segment was directed by one of the Farrelly brothers (the former gross-out kings of comedy) but is painfully unfunny. Though Kate Winslet being tea-bagged (in a non-sexual way) was not what I was expecting from this when I put this on.
2. HomeSchooled
So its come to the point where movie executives believe child abuse & incest are considered funny to american audiences. This segment involves a couple home schooling their teenage son, but also hazing him, bullying him and both mum & dad making sexual advances to him. When the neighbours meet the son he actually seems quite well adjusted until he states he's going on a date, at which point he introduces his girlfriend, which is just a mop with a picture of his mums face on it. Yep, thats how this segment ended.
3. The Proposition
Oh Anna Faris, since you've had those lips of yours blown up to trout like proportions, your career has not actually picked up (unfortunately you will always be known as the Scary Movie chick). In fact, if this segment is anything to go by, it's gone downhill fast. This segment involves a woman proposing her boyfriend to shit on her. Yep, you read that right. Shit on her. However, he can't really do it & ends up getting hit by a car where he just explodes in shit. After watching this, I knew exactly how the driver of that car felt - he too was flying headlong into a massive shit. Yet this has the desired effect on a shit-covered Anna Faris who declares it beautiful. So you heard it here first people, shit is beautiful. Time to soil those pants in public people!!!
4. Veronica
Emma Stone (who was the love interest in last year's latest Amazing Spiderman film) sure does have a filthy mouth. Here she plays an ex of Kieran Culkin, who decides to bring up every sexual instance together during their relationship, which is played over the intercom throughout the store Kieran works in. In the end all the shoppers agree to do Kierans shift to allow him to go after this girl. Well, there's 5 minutes of my life I'm never getting back.
5. iBabe
Here some crazy marketing people have created a naked woman speaker dock, called the iBabe. However, to ensure the "machine" is kept cool, they inserted a fan into the vaginal area, and had received complaints from teenage boys who had lost their fingers & penises when probing that area. Rather than remove the fan from that area, they just put a warning on the advert telling people not to have sex with the iBabe. Rumour has it that Richard Gere, who played the boss in this segment, actually walked off set & refused to have anything to do with this movie. How can you say that this is crass Richard when we all know about you shoving a gerbil up your bum! Being shallow (and also being a single hot-blooded man), I give this segment the thumbs up mainly for the full frontal femal nudity.
6. Superhero Speed Dating
An ingenious idea here whereby Robin (Justin Long) attempts speed dating to pick up a date, only to have Batman (Jason Sudeikis, from Horrible Bosses & Hall Pass) ruin each attempt. To give this spot it's due, both Justin & Jason are great comic actors, so they pulled this off, making Robin look like a pussy whilst Batman acts like a mjor dick. I can't fault this segment here, so this gets the thumbs up.
7. Machine Kids
Not really a segment, more like one of those charity appeal commercials, which want us to believe inside every machine there are small children who do the required work (namely an ATM which has one kid take the card and another kid push out the money). Nothing major but nothing really funny.
8. Middleschool Date
This segment involves a teenage girl (Chloe Grace Moretz - Hit Girl from Kick-Ass) coming round to have a date with her school crush, only to start her period during it. This gets noticed and the guy starts to believe she's bleeding to death, with his brother (McLovin from Superbad) and father thinking the same. So unfunny its unbelievable. What fricking idiot thought "Periods are funny, why dont we act like no-one but girls know what a period is" would be good for comedy. Monkeys, thats who. Not smart monkeys from Rise of the Planet of the Apes, more like monkeys that eat their own poo.
9. Tampax
Another commercial, this time for tampax. Two women are water ski-ing and suddenly a shark leaps out of the ocean and eats one of the women. All because she wasn't wearing tampax. Jesus christ, are we back in the 70's? How the hell are tampon adverts still considered funny?
10. Happy Birthday
Another segment I actually enjoyed. Johnny Knoxville & Stifler are best mates & housemates, but when Johnny sleeps with Stiflers missus he decides to make up for it by kidnapping a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his pot of gold. Unfortunately the leprechaun is a blood thirsty violent bastard with an obsession for skull fucking. In the end, Johnny & Stifler manage to survive an attack by two angry cock-obsessed leprechauns & get to spend their gold on a blow job giving fairy in return. It sounds unbelievably over the top (and it is) but all involved can do themselves proud - Gerard Butler was exceptionally good in his role. Thumbs up for me.
At this point, we're ten segments in, and I've only liked about 8 minutes of this film so far. Not boding well.
11. Truth or Dare
Halle Berry (my how the mighty have fallen) & Stephen merchant agree to meet on a blind date and play a game of truth or dare that involves plastic surgery, racism & extreme humiliation. I find Stephen Merchant funny, but not when he's portrayed as a bumbling loser who would do anything to have sex with Halle Berry. Didn't enjoy this, nor did I enjoy the amazingly massive boob prosthetics she was wearing at the end. Sorry, another 5 minutes wasted.
12. Victory's Glory
It's 1959, and an all black basketball team is going to take on an all white basketball team in the height of the segregation era. Whilst the coach (Terence Howard) is urging them to destroy their opponents, the all black team has their concerns. In the end, they trounce the all white team, who only earn one point but act like they won the game. That was it. That whole segment seemed like a big anti-white demonstration - the coach so vulgar in his delivery, with his team mates trying to prove that whites are better. When I watch a film, I don't mind if there's a message, but in this case it was just a "Black Is Better" for comedy effect. And it wasn't funny.
13. Beezel
Here we come to what the directors & producers claim to be the crowning segment in Movie 43 - a tale of a man and his animated cat Beezel. Basically, this guy wants his girlfriend to be more involved in his life, but she is worried that his animated cat doesn't like her. This is brought to the boil when she catches the cat wanking to pictures of his owner dressed in speedos, at which point Beezel tries to kill her. Unfortunately, she takes her revenge & tries to kill the cat, all in front of a young kids birthday party. Beezel survives and the girlfriend is arrested for cruelty to animals. Meh, it has some funny segments in it & the animation is done just like Ren & Stimpy, but at the end of the day this is just filler and nothing special.
So, for 13 segments, all of which are intertwined with this stupid story arc, I almost lost my entire will to live. I'm usually into the slapstick & stupidity that these segments try to bring, but on this occasion I was just embarrassed by it all. I had aimed to put a lot more pictures in to describe what I'm talking about, but I don't really want to see anymore of this then I have to, or put you through that.
I'm going to end this review with the Spoiler Alert score, but I warn you, this won't be pretty... My scores range from 0 (the lowest) to 10 (the highest) and cover the films plot/story, the casting & the lasting appeal.
Plot / Story wise, this is where the film loses nearly all credibility. The main story arc was pointless, and aside from a couple of funny moments, nearly every segment failed. Aside from the Superhero Speed Dating and Happy Birthday segments - which were the only parts I actually enjoyed - I hated the remainder of this film. Score wise, I would give the story points a grand total of 1 out of 10.
Casting, well there's a hell of a lot of famous people in this. It does strike more of quantity rather than quality, as some of these stars are only on screen for around 5-10 minutes tops. Big props to Jason Sudiekis, Justin Long, Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott & Gerard Butler for actually coming out of this with some credibility. However, these are mere blips to the cast list, which totals 84 people. Based on this, I would only give casting 1 out of 10.
Longevity wise, will this film be watched again & again? Not be me it won't, but maybe they'll show it to death row prisoners & its probably staple viewing for those stuck in Guantanamo Bay. Maybe if your favourite film was Freddy Got Fingered this would be right up your street, or if you've had major head trauma then this could be considered "watchable", but for me its a no go. I'm sorry Movie 43, but you get nothing for longevity or lasting appeal.
Based on this, I'll take an average of the 3 sections to determine the total score I'm going to give. From this, I can confirm that....
Plot / Story wise, this is where the film loses nearly all credibility. The main story arc was pointless, and aside from a couple of funny moments, nearly every segment failed. Aside from the Superhero Speed Dating and Happy Birthday segments - which were the only parts I actually enjoyed - I hated the remainder of this film. Score wise, I would give the story points a grand total of 1 out of 10.
Casting, well there's a hell of a lot of famous people in this. It does strike more of quantity rather than quality, as some of these stars are only on screen for around 5-10 minutes tops. Big props to Jason Sudiekis, Justin Long, Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott & Gerard Butler for actually coming out of this with some credibility. However, these are mere blips to the cast list, which totals 84 people. Based on this, I would only give casting 1 out of 10.
Longevity wise, will this film be watched again & again? Not be me it won't, but maybe they'll show it to death row prisoners & its probably staple viewing for those stuck in Guantanamo Bay. Maybe if your favourite film was Freddy Got Fingered this would be right up your street, or if you've had major head trauma then this could be considered "watchable", but for me its a no go. I'm sorry Movie 43, but you get nothing for longevity or lasting appeal.
Based on this, I'll take an average of the 3 sections to determine the total score I'm going to give. From this, I can confirm that....
Movie 43, you obtain a score of 1 out of 10 - Officially a STINKER!!!!
That is me being very generous, as this would definitely have been a zero score movie, were it not for 2 specific segments that kept me entertained.
Spoiler Alert will be back later for another review, going through films released in 2013 - there's quite a choice available (good and bad) so hopefully I'll get round to reviewing one of your films of the year. If you agree or disagree with my review, please feel free to comment!
Spoiler Alert will be back later for another review, going through films released in 2013 - there's quite a choice available (good and bad) so hopefully I'll get round to reviewing one of your films of the year. If you agree or disagree with my review, please feel free to comment!
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